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Entering a tailspin.

"It's almost October." He said. I paused for a second while that settled in my mind. Shit, I thought. He's right. "Shit." I said. "You're right." We continued what we were doing. A few months ago I was telling people how quickly Halloween would be here. "It'll be here before you realize it," I told them. Even I was caught off guard. That felt like it was a couple of days ago.

It seems like the days get shorter as each year goes by. You blink and a week passes. Already? I think. In the end I have nothing to show for the time. I haven't finished anything. I haven't started anything new. I haven't completed any objectives. I haven't even set any objectives for me to complete. I'm stagnating. I'm sitting here, stuck and unable to move myself forward. Why?

I can feel the panic rising inside. Run. It's all I can think. It won't matter what I'm doing just as long as I'm doing something. It'll make me feel better. Right? Everyone else seems to have a plan. I throw my plans away like used tissue paper. All I want to do is run. Run anywhere. Just keep moving.

There are so many things that I want to do. I don't think there's enough time to do them all. We don't live long enough for that. I'm afraid to start. To step out the door. What are the chances that any of those dreams get realized? I won't settle for any of them. It's all or nothing. I just can't muster the courage to get started. "What happened to 'you can do whatever you want'?" She asked me. It's different when I say that to you, I thought. Because you are not me.

Tomorrow is coming, and I'm not ready for it. I don't have a plan for tomorrow. I don't think I can make things up as I go along anymore. That's okay.

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