Entering a tailspin.

"It's almost October." He said. I paused for a second while that settled in my mind. Shit, I thought. He's right. "Shit." I said. "You're right." We continued what we were doing. A few months ago I was telling people how quickly Halloween would be here. "It'll be here before you realize it," I told them. Even I was caught off guard. That felt like it was a couple of days ago.

It seems like the days get shorter as each year goes by. You blink and a week passes. Already? I think. In the end I have nothing to show for the time. I haven't finished anything. I haven't started anything new. I haven't completed any objectives. I haven't even set any objectives for me to complete. I'm stagnating. I'm sitting here, stuck and unable to move myself forward. Why?

I can feel the panic rising inside. Run. It's all I can think. It won't matter what I'm doing just as long as I'm doing something. It'll make me feel better. Right? Everyone else seems to have a plan. I throw my plans away like used tissue paper. All I want to do is run. Run anywhere. Just keep moving.

There are so many things that I want to do. I don't think there's enough time to do them all. We don't live long enough for that. I'm afraid to start. To step out the door. What are the chances that any of those dreams get realized? I won't settle for any of them. It's all or nothing. I just can't muster the courage to get started. "What happened to 'you can do whatever you want'?" She asked me. It's different when I say that to you, I thought. Because you are not me.

Tomorrow is coming, and I'm not ready for it. I don't have a plan for tomorrow. I don't think I can make things up as I go along anymore. That's okay.

Comments

Pseudo-science (like psych).

I consider myself a man of science. I try to approach problems and deal with them logically, using observations previously recorded to handle new problems. So of course my interest was piqued when someone I knew posited that men are needier and more complicated than women. An interesting theory. But to properly examine it, one must understand the concept of sexual selection and its two aspects: male competition and female choice. Which brings us to point one: men are needier [in relationships] than women. This is true. In a natural/primal setting, the males are generally love-'em-leave-'em kinds of guys. Their main objective is to reproduce as much as they can. Humans, in their infinite wisdom, have decreased the emphasis on this to the point where it has become a footnote in male purpose. Civilization dictates that, instead of finding a partner for the sole purpose of reproduction, males find females for life companionship. With the effective removal of their natur...

Just the stirring in my soul.

I, really, kind of don't want to be here anymore. Not in the sense that I am dissatisfied with my life or my present situation--which isn't to say that I'm not , because I am in a way--but in the sense that I am dissatisfied with the lack of things happening. I keep looking around. Out the window of my room. Out the window of my car. Out the window of the living room. I want to be on the other side of that glass. That's where the action is. I need, desperately, an adventure. I need to go somewhere. See something. Anywhere, anything. I don't care where or what as long as it's happening. I want to travel so badly. Grab my backpack and my camera and walk away. I'd settle for going to the same state park I've been to a hundred times over. It's this routine I'm stuck in. Seeing the same shit every day, going through the same motions. I need to change it up, break things. I need some vitality--being cooped up is killing me. What I re...

No, Holmes, no!

All I ever think about these days is how much I have to/want to study. I hope that's not how I have a good time, now. Would I rather go hang out with peeps or would I rather sit in and study? It is a difficult question to answer. Just a couple more days and then I can focus all my energy on the next greatest idea I've ever had: iconic detectives and sharks.

everything is fine

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