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Dread one day at a time.

A friend of mine asked me if it would be weird to attend her wedding in four or five years. I didn't have to think very long to respond. In fact, as soon as I saw the word wedding I started to panic a little.

Growing up is such a scary prospect. And I know I've talked about it already--it just bothers me that much. And I know there's nothing to be done about it except go along with it as best you can. We are all growing up and some people just aren't very good at coping with it. Four or five years is not a very long time. High school was a blur that, in hindsight, felt more like a month than four years. I've been playing clarinet for over eight years, but that doesn't seem so long. So four or five years is going to be here tomorrow, and I will still not be ready for it.

Weddings are just weird. It's strange when it's composed of people you don't know, it's strange when it's people you do know, and it's insane when it's people you're friends with. Not that I've had to cope with that. Yet. But it's a milestone for life. Once you start thinking about stuff like that, you never really stop. You just magically become an adult who has to worry about grown up things like buying houses and cars and finances and taxes and biggest responsibility of them all--kids. Which opens up rooms and rooms full of other things to worry about.

And then when you actually do those things like get married and have kids? Oh God.

That's when you know your youth is gone. No more schooling. No more running around goofing off. You have to get a job and find someone and settle down and do all of these stressful things. And what if you don't get the job you wanted when you were still 'growing up'? The one you tried to study for? "That happens all the time," people say. "Most people don't have a job that was related to their degree." Was that because they failed at getting their dream job? Did they have to settle for something else? Or did they waste their education by doing something they didn't really like? Do we just look forward to diluting our dreams and settling for something lower on the list?

And you still have to worry about finding your life companion. Or settle for a numb existence of life-long solitude and crippling depression. Everybody's already making back-up plans. Plan B's for their what if's. Back-up plans because they expect to fail or because they want to fail so they can do what they really want? Life outside the bubble is a pretty damn scary thing to look forward to and a difficult thing to figure out. And all I can do about it is sit here and wring my hands.

And also wonder how everyone else is already figuring out weddings and marriages. I feel like I missed out on the "Plan Your Life" meeting or something. I guess I got the "Worry About Everything" memo instead.

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