Trust me, I'm a doctor.

I have awful body image. I shouldn't, really, but I can't help it. My grandparents used to tell me about what a chubby little baby I was. "You used to be a real chubby baby," they say. "But look at you! You've shot up and slimmed up!" For years they've been telling me things like that. "You and your cousin both used to be chubby babies." They say.

"But you got real slim."

And I'm terrified of the day my metabolism slows down. Or the day I look in the mirror and can't see my ribs anymore. I don't ever want to gain weight. Or flab. Or pudge. I just want to be skinny as hell, safely below 150 pounds. It bothers people, I think. They think it's just part of the whole being an asshole thing. But no.

It's legitimate vanity and narcissism.

I was crossing the street the other day trying to get to the bank. A girl walked up to me, trying to hand out books of coupons for businesses around campus. "Would you like some coupons?" She asked. "Sure," I said, since I don't know how to say no to people like that. I took the book from her and she flashed me a big smile. She had braces. As reflex, I think, after months of conditioning I threw out a line.

"Aren't you a little old for braces?"

I smiled back, showing mine. She frowned. "No." She said. She turned and tried handing out coupons to other pedestrians. Unsure how to follow up such a catastrophic failure, I continued on my way. God damn you, Dr. Gallagher. I'll never use one of your pick-up lines again.

Comments

Carolynn said…

Heh heh heh. Nice try, wise guy.

October 24, 2011 at 11:08 AM

Side effects include constant irritability, being an ass.

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So, I mean, there's that.

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Pseudo-science (like psych).

I consider myself a man of science. I try to approach problems and deal with them logically, using observations previously recorded to handle new problems. So of course my interest was piqued when someone I knew posited that men are needier and more complicated than women. An interesting theory. But to properly examine it, one must understand the concept of sexual selection and its two aspects: male competition and female choice. Which brings us to point one: men are needier [in relationships] than women. This is true. In a natural/primal setting, the males are generally love-'em-leave-'em kinds of guys. Their main objective is to reproduce as much as they can. Humans, in their infinite wisdom, have decreased the emphasis on this to the point where it has become a footnote in male purpose. Civilization dictates that, instead of finding a partner for the sole purpose of reproduction, males find females for life companionship. With the effective removal of their natur...

everything is fine

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