Another exercise in regret.

Overcoming barriers to act. Duty to act. Both of those were lessons we learned in class. "Because we can," the instructor said. "We have to. We have a responsibility to act in situations where our skills can help." It was so easy in theory.

I walked to the FAC to meet with my friends. They all needed to vote except only one of them could vote here. I stood in line with them. We talked for a while as the line shuffled forward slowly. There was a commotion back behind us. We turned around to look.

A girl had collapsed on the floor.

People began to crowd around her and a handful of people stepped forward to help. And I stood there. I stood there and watched. Go over there. Something's wrong. I couldn't make myself walk over there. We stood there and told each other to do something. Nobody did anything. Alert. Patent airway. Breathing? Circulation? C-spine. Don't give her water. I stared as other people moved around and did things. I just stood there. Security guards came in with AEDs. They had no idea what to do. The line lurched forward. And I stood there. The people in the line looked at each other anxiously. It felt like they were looking at me. All those eyes. Accusing. Expectant.

Disappointed.

My heart pounded. Blood roared in my ears. All I could do was stand there. I watched her lay on the ground as the men in uniforms kneeled around her. They looked at me. I turned around and walked out of the building.

Two hours later I climbed into the back of the ambulance.

Comments

Pseudo-science (like psych).

I consider myself a man of science. I try to approach problems and deal with them logically, using observations previously recorded to handle new problems. So of course my interest was piqued when someone I knew posited that men are needier and more complicated than women. An interesting theory. But to properly examine it, one must understand the concept of sexual selection and its two aspects: male competition and female choice. Which brings us to point one: men are needier [in relationships] than women. This is true. In a natural/primal setting, the males are generally love-'em-leave-'em kinds of guys. Their main objective is to reproduce as much as they can. Humans, in their infinite wisdom, have decreased the emphasis on this to the point where it has become a footnote in male purpose. Civilization dictates that, instead of finding a partner for the sole purpose of reproduction, males find females for life companionship. With the effective removal of their natur...

Just the stirring in my soul.

I, really, kind of don't want to be here anymore. Not in the sense that I am dissatisfied with my life or my present situation--which isn't to say that I'm not , because I am in a way--but in the sense that I am dissatisfied with the lack of things happening. I keep looking around. Out the window of my room. Out the window of my car. Out the window of the living room. I want to be on the other side of that glass. That's where the action is. I need, desperately, an adventure. I need to go somewhere. See something. Anywhere, anything. I don't care where or what as long as it's happening. I want to travel so badly. Grab my backpack and my camera and walk away. I'd settle for going to the same state park I've been to a hundred times over. It's this routine I'm stuck in. Seeing the same shit every day, going through the same motions. I need to change it up, break things. I need some vitality--being cooped up is killing me. What I re...

No, Holmes, no!

All I ever think about these days is how much I have to/want to study. I hope that's not how I have a good time, now. Would I rather go hang out with peeps or would I rather sit in and study? It is a difficult question to answer. Just a couple more days and then I can focus all my energy on the next greatest idea I've ever had: iconic detectives and sharks.

everything is fine

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