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And the doll house looks at me.

Every once in a while I start feeling like I want to explore religion again. It's a cyclic sort of mindset. Comes and goes like some sort of wave function. I think about doing it, but then I never really do. I always back out and return to my ambiguously spiritual mentality. I'm drawn to the guidance, I think. In the face of a lot of contrary sentiment, I have a lot of respect for religious people. That sort of thing takes a lot of inner strength and dedication. Having faith, I mean. Those people get a lot of flak for having a set code of morals and values that they--mostly--stick to, which is something I'll never be able to understand. I'm just too antsy about making philosophical decisions like that. Too obsessive about trying to find the balance in everything. I'm not religious or logical, I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm spiritual. Or, at least, I think I'm spiritual. Or, I want to think I'm spiritual.

Or, I think I want to think I'm spiritual. Who even knows?

Even though the conversation happened weeks ago, I'm still being haunted by something a friend told me. "One day," she said. "Somebody will be the last person in your group of friends left alive. And when they die, all of those memories and stories will disappear." It just keeps echoing in my head. It's not so much depressing as humbling. We just aren't that important in the long run, I guess. Which is probably why people like religious things. It gives them a purpose and a mission in life. A way to justify being alive, which is not something everybody can do.

And on a lighter note, my friends are getting married in the morning. It makes my head spin. I feel like I need to start living my life. I barely have any direction in the things I do. People are making plans and doing things and going places. I can look forward and see the timeline I've sketched and I can see that it's just not going to allow for the things that people are supposed to do in order to have fulfilling lives. I mean, yeah: I do want to get married and have a family. Eventually. But there is just no feasible way to fit that into my schedule for a long time. It's not even on my radar, really. It's way in the distance. But I can feel that clock ticking every once in a while.

It is the crocodile in my ocean, and I am the captain of a sinking boat.

Comments

Carolynn said…
I'm glad you remembered that. I've been thinking about it too. I'm glad you could relate to where I was coming from. It isn't a depressing thought--I guess I forget how big time is, until I think things like that.

I don't know if it would do anything for you, but I feel like it's my duty or something to offer to bring you along with me to mass sometime. If you ever wanna go. The UCC has an 8PM mass and the friendliest priest you could ever hope to encounter.
May 23, 2010 at 11:50 PM
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