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Mental see-saw.

I don't really have a good sense of moderation. I never have. It's something I struggle with, I guess. And it seems like it shouldn't be such a problem since balance is one of those tenets I try to base my life around. I guess I have trouble with moderation because I also have trouble with balance.

These things are difficult.

But it's not so much a difficulty exhibiting moderation with vices--drinking, smoking, gambling, womanizing, thievery, leaving toilet seats up, etc.--as it is a difficulty exhibiting moderation in a reflexive sense. It's something I notice most often, and ignore, when I do something that requires physical strain. Like athletics, competitive or otherwise. Most people seem to have a dimmer switch of intensity, where they can appropriately adjust the output of their intensity in response to factors both environmental and personal. They generally never push themselves beyond capacity unless they truly have to, and they make sure to mellow out to avoid unnecessary exertion or injury.

Which is totally stupid, I guess.

I have a switch with two functions: mellow and maximum intensity. I don't want to settle for trying pretty hard. I won't. Unless I, you know, don't care. But it's that switch that makes me try to sprint up Enchanted Rock. Even if I'm dragging my limp, exhausted body up to the top I'll be doing it as fast and as hard as I can. It makes me sprint up the hill that's too steep for my bike. It makes me sprint and make hard stops and turns even after my knee is worn down to the bones until the game is done. It drives me forward regardless of the personal cost.

I feel like that's a good thing. It's a good thing to do. I mean, why wouldn't you do something at your maximum ability? It's such a waste.

Comments

Carolynn said…
I feel like I'm always on "FUCKIN INTENSE AS HEEEECK" and "Jesus Christ I don't even care anymore." It is my cross to bear I guess.
July 15, 2010 at 12:14 AM
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