everything is fine

I actually really wanted to go to the haunted house. Otherwise I wouldn't have tried to get everybody excited about it. "Let's just play it by ear," I said. "I bet we can get tickets there." And, of course, we couldn't. It was a clusterfuck. And then I was the bad guy. And it was getting late and it was cold and everyone was disappointed and we just went back home. Halloween! I played some music today because I had the free time and because I'm so excited about playing music this weekend. I didn't write anything new, but I got to play something for somebody. Which is always nice. I need to take advantage of that more often. I think I really struck a chord with her today, though. She told me she could feel the emotion in the song I was playing. And she opened up. It was excellent. I'll have to play clarinet for her soon. Jonathan and Rachel did a fucking amazing job with this. I keep staring at it thinking about how good it look...

Well, registration is in the morning. I need to take field methods to stay relatively on track with my geology degree. I say that I need to because: I don't want to procrastinate in college--I've got plans for my life--and I don't really want to get off track with the friends I'm making in my geology classes right now. I also need to take organic chemistry to stay relatively on track with pre-medicine requirements. I can't take both because they're double-booked. So, I guess it really comes down to this: which is more important to me? Geology or medicine? It's not an easy choice. Life's tough like that, sometimes. So, in these next few hours, I'll be doing some soul searching. Or maybe I'm just over-analyzing things. Either way, it doesn't really matter. This weekend is going to be great. I don't know what I'm going to be for Halloween, but I don't care. I'm going to play some music and it's going to be amazi...

I've been keeping my ears open--and my mind wandering. And I can feel that swell again. The fingers aching for the feel of metal and wood again. I think I'm going to be writing some stuff in these next few days. I don't know what it's going to be about, but it's going to be satisfying. And then I'll make a band. I've got a bass player. Or, you know what, I think that's all I need. I just need to get this going. Transcribe some stuff? It's hard to play with new people. Do you prepare stuff you already have or do you let new stuff come out. I don't know. But it doesn't matter as long as we get jamming. And we will. Copying someone else's drawing style is really hard. And really time consuming. I'm so glad I'm working on it on the computer so I can just magically do away with all my many mistakes. I would go insane if I did it by hand. I'm figuring out my schedule for next semester. I'm going to be a busy, bus...

It's hard to like his music because I don't like him on principle. And I think he has a bad singing voice. But we had to listen to the song so many times that I started to notice something about it. The music. There was something about it. The instruments, the way they fit together, and the way the song grew and built. It was music. It was like a tide--ebbing and flowing and I couldn't help but feel that when we were dancing. It was penetrating. Permeating. Inundating. Intoxicating. "Do you miss jazz band?" She asked. "Yes." I immediately answered. "I miss it a lot. And you don't get opportunities like that anymore." "Yeah." She said. I need my saxophone. I neeeeed it. I need someone to sit there for about twenty minutes playing blues while I empty my brain out. God, I need it. I need to play music with somebody. I feel like I'm dying. Like I'm suffocating. Like I'm fucking drowning . I won...

Well, that's it. I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm twenty years old. I don't feel older. Or more mature. Or anything really. I'm just a guy--a man, even--who spins around in circles too much. Maybe I'll have that life awakening experience next year. It was a pretty good day. I woke up to the words "Congratulations on successfully earning your national EMS certification." And everybody was really happy today. And I just felt good all day. And even the weather was really nice. The perfect mix of moody, cold, and depressing--my kind of day. I had my tarot cards read today. Which I was absolutely not expecting to have happen. I also read some astrology stuff about myself. It wasn't anything I didn't already know, naturally. I mean, how much can a book like that really tell you about yourself? For that matter, what can a deck of cards tell you? A surprising and sobering amount, actually. Which is good, I guess. I am bored. I have to ...

I didn't expect today to go well after this morning. My laundry came out either warm and dry or still damp. But all of it was completely and utterly wrinkled. That was, for some reason, the most irritating thing that's happened to me in a while. I lost it. And then I heard that there was a hole that got punched in the cake. So I kind of gave up on stuff. But then I got told my writing was occasionally sexy. I've never gotten that compliment before. And it was really nice. I've gotten good , natural , and eloquent . But never sexy . That was when things turned around for the better. Then we went to see Where the Wild Things Are and that was a good time. It had a lot more to it than the book did, obviously. There was a lot of emotion. A lot of emotion I could relate to. The ending was sad and satisfying in an unsatisfying way. There was no heavy message getting spelled out for the audience, and I liked that. It wasn't too preachy. "Oh, I know yo...

I got to cook today. I've been looking forward to it all week. Chicken fettuccine alfredo with spinach. And I made my own sauce, too! I was excited to do it. I never really have a chance to experiment with my cooking since I have such limited opportunities to cook, period. It worked out surprisingly well, I think. And everyone smiled and was very polite when they told me it was good. Who knows. The only thing is that I'm starting to feel a little sick, so let's hope it's not from my own cooking. Because I cooked it with love. I have, perhaps, doomed us all. I cut my thumb when I was slicing a lemon in half. It was careless. And then it hurt. And it bled a little, but luckily I got it wrapped up with a paper towel and a rubber band. What kind of ghetto-medic shit is that? I'm really anxious about my test, actually. I took it this morning and it was pretty hard. So let's hope I didn't, you know, fucking fail it. I find out on Monday, I guess....

I can't believe it's already Thursday. I have to do so much studying tomorrow. I absolutely cannot afford to fail that EMT exam Saturday morning. I can't and I won't. It's my birthday present to myself. It'll make all the hard work justified and it'll make the weekend totally worth it. I hung out with some friends tonight. It was kinda weird because I really don't hang out with them all that much and I feel like I ought to. Partly because I work with them and partly because, well, hanging out with them is always so much fun. So hopefully that'll be happening a whole lot more often. I could use letting off steam. And that pie. I actually spent time drawing the background today. Well, not really. I drew the background and then turned the opacity down so it would look really fancy I guess. Spencer's coming in tomorrow for something. Hopefully we'll get to meet up. I want him to meet Ashley so I can get his opinion. I mean, you know...

For the past few weeks I have been observing the different ways people walk and I've discovered two different patterns. In men, I mean. Some guys take steps and immediately bounce back up onto the balls of their feet as they walk forward. They lean forward when they walk and it looks very awkward. They push themselves forward. These people are usually timid and quiet, always the sidekick friend seeking the approval of his peer group for his actions. He's always unsure of himself, which is why he leans forward to walk--he's always in a rush. The other pattern is taking steps and leaving the foot down until the last possible moment and then almost dragging it to the next step. These guys lean back when they walk. They usually move a little slower and basically pull themselves along. And they look confident. These are the loners and the leaders--never in a rush to get anywhere because the world revolves around them. Naturally, I fit into the latter group. I really ne...

So today I passed by a booth in the Jester foyer. It was about the student center for mental health on campus, and the various programs and whatnot it offers. I got a free stress ball. "It's really good," the girl at the booth told me. "The center, not the stress ball. Well, the stress ball too." "Great, thanks." I said. So I sat in my room and thought for a little bit. I looked at the website. They could talk to you about stress and anxiety. They could talk to you about depression. It seemed like they had a lot to offer and I thought that maybe it was something worth looking into. And so I made my way across campus to the student health center. But halfway there I chickened out and went to the Union to upgrade my ID card instead. And now my ID has proximity reader capability, which I think is pretty boss. I tried some of the self-help, hypnotherapy relaxation bullshit on their website and it didn't do anything but stress me out more bec...

So I thought it would be a good idea to go running today. I dressed out and took off running toward the Capital with my music getting me pumped up. As I made my round around the building, my ear buds fell out so I stopped to fix them. It hit me, then. The dizziness and the seeing spots and all that. I felt sick, and so I walked back home. I never really shook that malaise though. There just isn't enough time in the days to fit in all the studying I need to do. I can barely focus on anything because I'm trying to focus on everything at the same time. I love being stressed, but this is a little too much for me. There are too many important things that need to go well for me to keep track of. I'll go ahead and say it: I am unhappy with my situation. She brought up something that she was unhappy with. Which is good; that's what we want. It's always been much easier for her to do that. But it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair and I didn't have the ener...

I looked at my comic and realized that I forgot to draw The Administrator's beard. And then I looked at it again and realized that I had misspelled "thought." I am so embarrassed.

The most exciting part of my day was when I woke up and walked straight to CVS in my pajamas to buy shampoo. I was tired of using my cheap, mismatched shampoo and conditioner combination and after weeks of being unsatisfied with it, I bought some. After deliberating--agonizing--for minutes in the aisle, I finally settled on some Herbal Essences Anti-Frizz shampoo and conditioner. And some sort of Herbal Essences hair styling gel. Which was a magnificent failure. The problem is, really, that I don't know anything about hair--or fashion, for that matter. Or, I guess, that I really don't care. But I was excited about the shampoo and conditioner. And it made my hair feel amazing. Which is probably the most important part. This week is going to be so stressful. I'm probably going to be dead by the end of it. But, you know. Who's worried? I just really want to play soccer again. It's been, like, three weeks. I also really want to play the drums. I think I sho...

The other day I saw a butterfly fluttering around. Suddenly, a bird swooped down to snatch it out of the air. Before the bird could grab the butterfly in its beak, another bird swooped down and attacked the first bird. The two birds struggled in flight for a moment before going their separate ways. And the butterfly fluttered away. It's tempting to read into the story with some bullshit insight about how people can overcome their differences to help each other and accomplish good things which can then be applied to racism and intolerance and such. Or maybe it was a story about how lucky people can be without realizing it--or appreciating it. But I think the best interpretation is that it's easier for people to hate each other. I've been working on being less bitter and cynical because I haven't earned the right to be. I don't have enough jaded years under my belt to justify a world-weary attitude. And, more importantly, I don't need to be. I shouldn't...

The other day I found myself walking by the Harry Ransom Center through the courtyard. As I walked through, I came across a couple sitting together on a bench. They were making out. But they weren't just making out, they were making out with perfect form. Their backs were perfectly straight, their feet firmly planted on the ground, their arms wrapped around each other forming solid frames. They were bent over each other at angles that I've never seen a couple form before. It was uncomfortable to see. I won't pretend to know why , but last night I had a strange dream. I had a dream that I was a father. It was one of those idyllic scenes. You come home from work and there are, like, kids all excited to see you and stuff and there's, like, a lady in your nice house who you're married to. It was surprisingly not stressful. It was peaceful. It's something to look forward to, I'm told. And now I'm watching the ending of Knocked Up . It makes me wond...

Even though it seemed like a terrible idea, I went to the gym today. I went to the gym even though I donated blood today. I went to the gym even though everyone said it was a bad idea. I went to the gym because, well, You have to get serious about something eventually. And so, here we go! I do feel slightly terrible, but come on here: do I look like a bitch? Tests are inbound and I'm super unprepared. But, I mean, that's how it goes most of the time. I can't believe it's only Wednesday. It feels like the day where everything happens and I'm not prepared to deal with it. I really want to go somewhere and do something that isn't sitting around studying.

Today after lab I took some time to lay around in bed because I was tired. And then, in a moment of fleeting semi-consciousness, I watched some of Aladdin . A lot of people complain about how Disney movies promote this or that but what really caught my attention was the scene where the Sultan talks to Jasmine about getting married. Jasmine complains about how she doesn't want to be married off in spite of the law. About how important it is that she marry somebody she is in love with. And then, as he puts a dove back into its bird cage, the Sultan gets serious: "Jasmine, it's not only this law. I'm not going to be around forever, and I just want to make sure you're taken care of, provided for." The lights in his eyes dim for just a moment as he solemnly acknowledges his mortality. He lowers his defenses to express his honest concern for the future well being of his daughter. And, in response, she says: "Try to understand. I've never done a thi...

When it is a legitimate dilemma whether to go out with your friends for food or stay in and watch Return of the Jedi on television, you know that your life has become, well, something. And when you end up getting to do both? That's how you know you're the best. I need to get a good night of sleep tonight. I haven't been sleeping well these past few days, and it's killing me slowly. The headaches, the dizzy spells, the zoning out. But in my sleepless nocturnal hours I've been brainstorming my zombie story again. Not that I'll get a chance to write it soon. It's just good to keep it boiling in my mind, I guess. But I need sleep. I decided to do a Halloween themed story arc. I don't know how long I can keep the medic suspended, though. Probably not much longer. But I don't want to drag it out too long. I'm not even sure how to deal with it. I've never been in a situation like it before. At some point I'll have to talk about it-...

For a few days I sat around and wondered what happened to my good streak. It was there for days and then suddenly I was freaking out and getting stressed. But things are actually pretty good. Except for all the tests coming up. The weather is getting cold and so I get to wear all the sweet cold weather clothes I have. Which is pretty great, I think. I get to rock the balance between "I'm a handsome devil" and "I don't care," which is exactly where I want to hover. This week is about to kick off and I'm ready for it. I have to change my routine because I need to start going to the gym regularly. I have to, you know, get in shape. Gain some body mass. And everything worked out in the end. The only real problem is communication, which is definitely getting worked on. Lucky me.

I played music today. I played a lot of music today. And then I listened to more music. I got a bunch of new music to stimulate myself with. I haven't done that in a while. I also got some music from the 90's as a form of reeducation, I guess. Not sure what to say about that. Music helps with stress management. When I ignore music, I get stressed. But now I can play Mrs. Robinson . You know what else helps with stress? Sometimes it's like, why do I bother. I just don't have any expectations anymore. "We don't think alike." She said. "No," I replied. "We don't." And we walked down the hall. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who keeps the ball rolling, but I'm sure that's me just being unfair.

I took a long, slow walk through campus. There wasn't anybody else out. It was kind of surreal, like I had stepped into my imagined post-apocalyptic world. The only sound was my footsteps as I warily made my way across the abandoned campus under a sky of sickly red. The darkness behind me reached out with malicious tendrils, wrapping more around my ankles with each step. And then I got back to Jester and heard a bunch of terrible music playing, which totally ruined the atmosphere. It's always hard to admit that you're sucking it up at something. And I have been. But that's an easy fix. I just need to chill out. What is there to panic about? Besides everything? No, I guess that's not the way to approach it. I just need to relax. Which is hard. Like, who even knows how to do that anymore? Oh well.

I am ready for Fall. I am ready for a break. I am ready for, you know, whatever. I want to go save penguins in Australia. Or whatever. My brain is scattered. I had something to talk about earlier but I totally forgot. Today's comic is equally uninspired.

My days are getting overbooked. There's just too much to do. Too many things I need to do in order to do the too many things I want to do. I'm trying to prioritize things responsibly and it's getting pretty difficult. Things like the caving meeting I should go to since it's the last one before the caving trip I want to go on but there's also a comics seminar type thing at the same time and if I don't go to the caving meeting then I probably won't go on the trip which means I can go to Westlake's homecoming as an excuse to meet up with my classmates who I otherwise wouldn't have the initiative to meet up with otherwise and I won't have to worry about missing my soccer game. But then if I have time to do all those things then that means I have time to study more geology or chemistry which I should be doing because those tests are coming up again soon and I'm falling behind in my work. But I still have to worry about reviewing for my medic...

"I mean, do you even do that?" She asked. "Do what?" I asked. "Worry." "Yes." I said. She scoffed. And I do. A lot. I just don't show it like other people do, I guess. Which is to say I don't come and tell them I'm worried about them. Maybe because I have an uncanny grasp of subtlety. Maybe because I just don't show things as easily as people expect. Probably because I have more faith in people than they like to give me credit for. And I'm worried. Nobody goes from borderline despondent back to normal overnight. But she did, and that makes me wonder if I'm kicked back to square one. I hope not. It's hard to sit and watch people deal with themselves but it's even harder to try and get involved. It's just complicated all around. Especially when you don't know what to do. But, things are going in a good direction, so I'm a little less worried. She asked about the comics and how I draw t...

The moments when I open my mouth and say things are when my troubles start. They are always self-inflicted. I need, like, a filter.

Last week was a great week. And I still just as good about this week as I did about last week. I think it's going to be a great week. This and every week. Forever. It's just intuition. I didn't realize that the cord to my headphones was, like, twelve feet long. It's just insane. I had to coil it up and then tie it so it wouldn't get tangled up in everything. I had a long conversation last night with a friend about the zombie apocalypse. And I realized that we're not ready for it. When the zombies come, we're all going to panic and probably die. Which is not okay. The thing I took away from it was inspiration to go back and take a look at my zombie story. I was planning to work on it this weekend but I got distracted by other things. But no longer! Today I'm going to sit down for at least a couple of hours and work on it. It's been simmering in the back of my mind for months now. I've been stuck at this one part, which is why I stopp...

Shopping was a pretty good time. Even though it was raining and being at the mall is generally terrible, it was a pretty good time. I don't really get to hang out with John all that much anymore, so it was nice getting to do that again. I mean, just hanging out with him. Usually it's within the context of hanging out with the gang. And it was something I took for granted. Just chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool. I think it's something he doesn't do all too often now. And that's bad. So we walked around, shopped, ate, drove around a little and talked about goofy stuff. Just like old times. I've always wondered how adults can lose track of their friends so easily. That always boggled my mind. I mean, if you're such good friends, how can you just stop hanging out with them and doing friend stuff? I think I understand it a little better, now. We just get too caught up in ourselves and what we think we should be doing. And then we forget about ...

Those crazy kids. I like tutoring. Dealing with kids is actually pretty fun, even though I complain about kids a lot. Too bad I only get to do it once a week. I feel like there's so much we can learn from kids and blah blah blah. Just, you know, your typical "kids are so great and we grew up too much" kind of stuff. I ate so much tonight. I'm actually really full. We're going to go clothes shopping this weekend! I'm pretty excited. That means I can get some jeans or some button-ups or some sweaters or some sweater vests or something. It's going to be great.