Skip to main content

Partridge in a pear tree.

I'm worried about everything again. It's not just the one thing. It's this and that on top of this compounded with that and encompassed by all of it. I can't sleep but I'm exhausted and I can't eat but I'm hungry and everything gets all twisted up and confused and I'm just spinning in circles. And it all bleeds over into everything else until I can't do anything. I can't focus on any one thing. I can't just calm down and breathe. It's all panic, all the time.

Fuuuck.

December was supposed to start off great, but I'm wringing the water out of my shoes and trying to warm up and study and relax and not stress out about everything. It's just not fair. None of it. I just need something to hate about myself, I guess. It's the masochist coming out. But then she's on the peripherals catching the collateral flak and it's just not great. And I have a test tomorrow and the day after and the day after and then finals and then surgery. I guess what it really comes down to--what I'm concerned about more than anything else--is that. I'm not excited.

I'm scared. And I can't think about anything else.

Comments

Spen said…
I'm praying for you this week man! Supernatural peace in the midst of the storm. What is the date of your surgery?
December 1, 2009 at 10:58 PM
Gabe said…
Thanks, man! It's December 16th.
December 2, 2009 at 7:28 PM
Carolynn said…
The surgery will be no big, plus, you are going to make it through this and on to the break and it will be awesome to sleep in all day with no tests and quizzes and draw all the time.

Everything is going to be fine, Gabe. You just have to push straight through the other side of awful right into awesome territory and when you get there, pieces of awful clinging to your hair and shoes and stuff, you will feel as triumphant as you feel shitty now.

I am going to go study now.
December 2, 2009 at 8:34 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

No, Holmes, no!

All I ever think about these days is how much I have to/want to study. I hope that's not how I have a good time, now. Would I rather go hang out with peeps or would I rather sit in and study? It is a difficult question to answer. Just a couple more days and then I can focus all my energy on the next greatest idea I've ever had: iconic detectives and sharks.
5 comments
Read more

I wonder, sometimes.

I am standing on the edge of a cliff face. A breeze whips past me as I stare out into the darkness. It's a familiar sight, comforting. The river bends below me. It stretches out, away from me at both ends. The arch of the bridge traverses the river, silhouetted by the house lights and golf course below us. So far away from us. The highway reaches out before us, straight into the hills and disappears on the horizon. It is silent. There are no cars. No planes. No animals. It is just us standing on top of the cliff. As it should be. It's late. A late weeknight. Just a normal Tuesday night to the world. I step away from the edge. In 5 minutes, I will be 22 years old. It's a turning point in my life. A fixed checkpoint. I'm only 21 years old, I'm not an actual adult yet. Maybe legally. But I'm still a child. I'm immature, I laugh at fart jokes. I laugh at everything. Why would I take anything seriously? 21 years old and we still have no responsibilities. We c...
2 comments
Read more

Side effects include constant irritability, being an ass.

It was a typical day in MUS 307 . A typical day where nobody pays attention to anything the professor talks about. A day where people play shitty flash games instead of take notes. A day where people sit and refresh their Facebook newsfeed instead of follow the slides. A day where people roll their eyes and go to sleep instead of listen to the music examples. A day where people get up and leave ten minutes before lecture ends instead of having the God damn decency to stay the whole time and pretend to be interested. I mean, if you're going to be so unaffected by the music we're studying in class then why the fuck did you take the class in the first place? Fuck it makes me mad. And I haven't even started talking about that fucker who sits in the back and tries to whistle along with every song that gets played in class. Alright, dude, we get it: you are just too cool and you know everything about jazz, ever. You know every standard ever written and everybody's so...
4 comments
Read more