Partridge in a pear tree.

I'm worried about everything again. It's not just the one thing. It's this and that on top of this compounded with that and encompassed by all of it. I can't sleep but I'm exhausted and I can't eat but I'm hungry and everything gets all twisted up and confused and I'm just spinning in circles. And it all bleeds over into everything else until I can't do anything. I can't focus on any one thing. I can't just calm down and breathe. It's all panic, all the time.

Fuuuck.

December was supposed to start off great, but I'm wringing the water out of my shoes and trying to warm up and study and relax and not stress out about everything. It's just not fair. None of it. I just need something to hate about myself, I guess. It's the masochist coming out. But then she's on the peripherals catching the collateral flak and it's just not great. And I have a test tomorrow and the day after and the day after and then finals and then surgery. I guess what it really comes down to--what I'm concerned about more than anything else--is that. I'm not excited.

I'm scared. And I can't think about anything else.

Comments

Spen said…

I'm praying for you this week man! Supernatural peace in the midst of the storm. What is the date of your surgery?

December 1, 2009 at 10:58 PM

Gabe said…

Thanks, man! It's December 16th.

December 2, 2009 at 7:28 PM

Carolynn said…

The surgery will be no big, plus, you are going to make it through this and on to the break and it will be awesome to sleep in all day with no tests and quizzes and draw all the time.

Everything is going to be fine, Gabe. You just have to push straight through the other side of awful right into awesome territory and when you get there, pieces of awful clinging to your hair and shoes and stuff, you will feel as triumphant as you feel shitty now.

I am going to go study now.

December 2, 2009 at 8:34 PM

Side effects include constant irritability, being an ass.

It was a typical day in MUS 307 . A typical day where nobody pays attention to anything the professor talks about. A day where people play shitty flash games instead of take notes. A day where people sit and refresh their Facebook newsfeed instead of follow the slides. A day where people roll their eyes and go to sleep instead of listen to the music examples. A day where people get up and leave ten minutes before lecture ends instead of having the God damn decency to stay the whole time and pretend to be interested. I mean, if you're going to be so unaffected by the music we're studying in class then why the fuck did you take the class in the first place? Fuck it makes me mad. And I haven't even started talking about that fucker who sits in the back and tries to whistle along with every song that gets played in class. Alright, dude, we get it: you are just too cool and you know everything about jazz, ever. You know every standard ever written and everybody's so...

So, I mean, there's that.

So I went to church again. I slept through most of it but I woke up to hear this: "Oh Lord you are holy indeed. You are a fountain of holiness." Dang, I thought. That is pretty holy. I saw The Nightmare Before Christmas again recently. That is still one of my favorite movies. I never get tired of watching it for some reason. I remember the first time I saw it quite clearly. I was about 5 years old at the time, I think. My dad and I were in the Albertson's video store looking for something to watch as was our Friday night custom. I walked through the aisle, glossing over the scary movies as quickly as I could without looking like I was scared. My dad pulled me aside with a video in hand. "What do you think about this one?" He held up a cover with a skeleton on the cover and 'nightmare' in the title. "It doesn't look very good." I said nonchalantly. "It looks lame." I rolled my eyes and turned away, playing it cool....

Pseudo-science (like psych).

I consider myself a man of science. I try to approach problems and deal with them logically, using observations previously recorded to handle new problems. So of course my interest was piqued when someone I knew posited that men are needier and more complicated than women. An interesting theory. But to properly examine it, one must understand the concept of sexual selection and its two aspects: male competition and female choice. Which brings us to point one: men are needier [in relationships] than women. This is true. In a natural/primal setting, the males are generally love-'em-leave-'em kinds of guys. Their main objective is to reproduce as much as they can. Humans, in their infinite wisdom, have decreased the emphasis on this to the point where it has become a footnote in male purpose. Civilization dictates that, instead of finding a partner for the sole purpose of reproduction, males find females for life companionship. With the effective removal of their natur...

everything is fine

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