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You ended weak, but you started.

This is something I feel very strongly about. So strong are my emotions about it, in fact, that I have haphazardly drafted this singular post about it on the fly. I hope, for your sake, that you are seated as I deal with this incredibly important social issue and say controversial things--the likes of which give women the vapors.

Shorts.

I fucking hate shorts. I hate them because you can't look cool in them. Think about it. Have you ever seen an action hero save the world wearing shorts? No. Action heroes wear pants. Men wear pants. People who save the world wear pants. Pants, pants, pants. Nobody wears shorts excepts, like, stoners, lazy guys, and dudes. And bros. Those archetypes do not do adventurous things. Indiana Jones? Pants. Robocop? Pants. Flapjack? Pants. Bear Grylls? Pants. Australian stereotypes? Shorts. Australia really likes to try to censor their internet content.

That doesn't sound so awesome and/or manly to me.

To prove my conclusion that shorts are lame, an experiment was carried out. I put on my Indiana Jones hat and looked at myself in the mirror. In shorts, I looked like a dumbass. Wide-brim hats are pretty fucking sweet, but nobody wears them in shorts. Then you can see the leg hairs and the socks and you look like a scrub. The shorts make you look like a goofy kid. An amateur. In pants, I looked like the rugged world-weary adventurer I really am, ready to tackle a laundry list of impossibly harrowing tasks.

In conclusion, I accidentally deleted everything I had originally written after the first paragraph. I blame the shorts because they suck and, damn it, I just don't look good in shorts.

Comments

The Static Girl said…
You should watch one episode of Reno 911. There's a cop in it that wears shorts...all the time. Not just any shorts...short shorts. I hate the show but every time I flip by it and see him and I can't help but to watch. It's like someone's disgusting mole that you can't help but to look at.
April 3, 2010 at 2:02 PM
Kirsten said…
it's awesome that you own an Indiana Jones hat
April 3, 2010 at 3:46 PM
mykidzmom said…
Maybe you are too hard on yourself? I like shorts on men. I like my man's legs, hair and all. Though, I do think it's wise not to wear shorts and an Indiana Jones hat. It would look lame. Unless you were wearing cargo shorts and you were rocking the Marlboro man/archeologist look. I think a facial hair really helps to sell that look. You just haven't found what makes you comfortable. You should post a photo and get some girl advice.
April 5, 2010 at 4:46 PM
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