This is something I feel very strongly about. So strong are my emotions about it, in fact, that I have haphazardly drafted this singular post about it on the fly. I hope, for your sake, that you are seated as I deal with this incredibly important social issue and say controversial things--the likes of which give women the vapors.
Shorts.
I fucking hate shorts. I hate them because you can't look cool in them. Think about it. Have you ever seen an action hero save the world wearing shorts? No. Action heroes wear pants. Men wear pants. People who save the world wear pants. Pants, pants, pants. Nobody wears shorts excepts, like, stoners, lazy guys, and dudes. And bros. Those archetypes do not do adventurous things. Indiana Jones? Pants. Robocop? Pants. Flapjack? Pants. Bear Grylls? Pants. Australian stereotypes? Shorts. Australia really likes to try to censor their internet content.
That doesn't sound so awesome and/or manly to me.
To prove my conclusion that shorts are lame, an experiment was carried out. I put on my Indiana Jones hat and looked at myself in the mirror. In shorts, I looked like a dumbass. Wide-brim hats are pretty fucking sweet, but nobody wears them in shorts. Then you can see the leg hairs and the socks and you look like a scrub. The shorts make you look like a goofy kid. An amateur. In pants, I looked like the rugged world-weary adventurer I really am, ready to tackle a laundry list of impossibly harrowing tasks.
In conclusion, I accidentally deleted everything I had originally written after the first paragraph. I blame the shorts because they suck and, damn it, I just don't look good in shorts.
Shorts.
I fucking hate shorts. I hate them because you can't look cool in them. Think about it. Have you ever seen an action hero save the world wearing shorts? No. Action heroes wear pants. Men wear pants. People who save the world wear pants. Pants, pants, pants. Nobody wears shorts excepts, like, stoners, lazy guys, and dudes. And bros. Those archetypes do not do adventurous things. Indiana Jones? Pants. Robocop? Pants. Flapjack? Pants. Bear Grylls? Pants. Australian stereotypes? Shorts. Australia really likes to try to censor their internet content.
That doesn't sound so awesome and/or manly to me.
To prove my conclusion that shorts are lame, an experiment was carried out. I put on my Indiana Jones hat and looked at myself in the mirror. In shorts, I looked like a dumbass. Wide-brim hats are pretty fucking sweet, but nobody wears them in shorts. Then you can see the leg hairs and the socks and you look like a scrub. The shorts make you look like a goofy kid. An amateur. In pants, I looked like the rugged world-weary adventurer I really am, ready to tackle a laundry list of impossibly harrowing tasks.
In conclusion, I accidentally deleted everything I had originally written after the first paragraph. I blame the shorts because they suck and, damn it, I just don't look good in shorts.
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