everything is fine

The most exciting part of my day was when I woke up and walked straight to CVS in my pajamas to buy shampoo. I was tired of using my cheap, mismatched shampoo and conditioner combination and after weeks of being unsatisfied with it, I bought some. After deliberating--agonizing--for minutes in the aisle, I finally settled on some Herbal Essences Anti-Frizz shampoo and conditioner. And some sort of Herbal Essences hair styling gel. Which was a magnificent failure. The problem is, really, that I don't know anything about hair--or fashion, for that matter. Or, I guess, that I really don't care. But I was excited about the shampoo and conditioner. And it made my hair feel amazing. Which is probably the most important part. This week is going to be so stressful. I'm probably going to be dead by the end of it. But, you know. Who's worried? I just really want to play soccer again. It's been, like, three weeks. I also really want to play the drums. I think I sho...

The other day I saw a butterfly fluttering around. Suddenly, a bird swooped down to snatch it out of the air. Before the bird could grab the butterfly in its beak, another bird swooped down and attacked the first bird. The two birds struggled in flight for a moment before going their separate ways. And the butterfly fluttered away. It's tempting to read into the story with some bullshit insight about how people can overcome their differences to help each other and accomplish good things which can then be applied to racism and intolerance and such. Or maybe it was a story about how lucky people can be without realizing it--or appreciating it. But I think the best interpretation is that it's easier for people to hate each other. I've been working on being less bitter and cynical because I haven't earned the right to be. I don't have enough jaded years under my belt to justify a world-weary attitude. And, more importantly, I don't need to be. I shouldn't...

The other day I found myself walking by the Harry Ransom Center through the courtyard. As I walked through, I came across a couple sitting together on a bench. They were making out. But they weren't just making out, they were making out with perfect form. Their backs were perfectly straight, their feet firmly planted on the ground, their arms wrapped around each other forming solid frames. They were bent over each other at angles that I've never seen a couple form before. It was uncomfortable to see. I won't pretend to know why , but last night I had a strange dream. I had a dream that I was a father. It was one of those idyllic scenes. You come home from work and there are, like, kids all excited to see you and stuff and there's, like, a lady in your nice house who you're married to. It was surprisingly not stressful. It was peaceful. It's something to look forward to, I'm told. And now I'm watching the ending of Knocked Up . It makes me wond...

Even though it seemed like a terrible idea, I went to the gym today. I went to the gym even though I donated blood today. I went to the gym even though everyone said it was a bad idea. I went to the gym because, well, You have to get serious about something eventually. And so, here we go! I do feel slightly terrible, but come on here: do I look like a bitch? Tests are inbound and I'm super unprepared. But, I mean, that's how it goes most of the time. I can't believe it's only Wednesday. It feels like the day where everything happens and I'm not prepared to deal with it. I really want to go somewhere and do something that isn't sitting around studying.

Today after lab I took some time to lay around in bed because I was tired. And then, in a moment of fleeting semi-consciousness, I watched some of Aladdin . A lot of people complain about how Disney movies promote this or that but what really caught my attention was the scene where the Sultan talks to Jasmine about getting married. Jasmine complains about how she doesn't want to be married off in spite of the law. About how important it is that she marry somebody she is in love with. And then, as he puts a dove back into its bird cage, the Sultan gets serious: "Jasmine, it's not only this law. I'm not going to be around forever, and I just want to make sure you're taken care of, provided for." The lights in his eyes dim for just a moment as he solemnly acknowledges his mortality. He lowers his defenses to express his honest concern for the future well being of his daughter. And, in response, she says: "Try to understand. I've never done a thi...

When it is a legitimate dilemma whether to go out with your friends for food or stay in and watch Return of the Jedi on television, you know that your life has become, well, something. And when you end up getting to do both? That's how you know you're the best. I need to get a good night of sleep tonight. I haven't been sleeping well these past few days, and it's killing me slowly. The headaches, the dizzy spells, the zoning out. But in my sleepless nocturnal hours I've been brainstorming my zombie story again. Not that I'll get a chance to write it soon. It's just good to keep it boiling in my mind, I guess. But I need sleep. I decided to do a Halloween themed story arc. I don't know how long I can keep the medic suspended, though. Probably not much longer. But I don't want to drag it out too long. I'm not even sure how to deal with it. I've never been in a situation like it before. At some point I'll have to talk about it-...

For a few days I sat around and wondered what happened to my good streak. It was there for days and then suddenly I was freaking out and getting stressed. But things are actually pretty good. Except for all the tests coming up. The weather is getting cold and so I get to wear all the sweet cold weather clothes I have. Which is pretty great, I think. I get to rock the balance between "I'm a handsome devil" and "I don't care," which is exactly where I want to hover. This week is about to kick off and I'm ready for it. I have to change my routine because I need to start going to the gym regularly. I have to, you know, get in shape. Gain some body mass. And everything worked out in the end. The only real problem is communication, which is definitely getting worked on. Lucky me.

I played music today. I played a lot of music today. And then I listened to more music. I got a bunch of new music to stimulate myself with. I haven't done that in a while. I also got some music from the 90's as a form of reeducation, I guess. Not sure what to say about that. Music helps with stress management. When I ignore music, I get stressed. But now I can play Mrs. Robinson . You know what else helps with stress? Sometimes it's like, why do I bother. I just don't have any expectations anymore. "We don't think alike." She said. "No," I replied. "We don't." And we walked down the hall. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who keeps the ball rolling, but I'm sure that's me just being unfair.

I took a long, slow walk through campus. There wasn't anybody else out. It was kind of surreal, like I had stepped into my imagined post-apocalyptic world. The only sound was my footsteps as I warily made my way across the abandoned campus under a sky of sickly red. The darkness behind me reached out with malicious tendrils, wrapping more around my ankles with each step. And then I got back to Jester and heard a bunch of terrible music playing, which totally ruined the atmosphere. It's always hard to admit that you're sucking it up at something. And I have been. But that's an easy fix. I just need to chill out. What is there to panic about? Besides everything? No, I guess that's not the way to approach it. I just need to relax. Which is hard. Like, who even knows how to do that anymore? Oh well.

I am ready for Fall. I am ready for a break. I am ready for, you know, whatever. I want to go save penguins in Australia. Or whatever. My brain is scattered. I had something to talk about earlier but I totally forgot. Today's comic is equally uninspired.

My days are getting overbooked. There's just too much to do. Too many things I need to do in order to do the too many things I want to do. I'm trying to prioritize things responsibly and it's getting pretty difficult. Things like the caving meeting I should go to since it's the last one before the caving trip I want to go on but there's also a comics seminar type thing at the same time and if I don't go to the caving meeting then I probably won't go on the trip which means I can go to Westlake's homecoming as an excuse to meet up with my classmates who I otherwise wouldn't have the initiative to meet up with otherwise and I won't have to worry about missing my soccer game. But then if I have time to do all those things then that means I have time to study more geology or chemistry which I should be doing because those tests are coming up again soon and I'm falling behind in my work. But I still have to worry about reviewing for my medic...

"I mean, do you even do that?" She asked. "Do what?" I asked. "Worry." "Yes." I said. She scoffed. And I do. A lot. I just don't show it like other people do, I guess. Which is to say I don't come and tell them I'm worried about them. Maybe because I have an uncanny grasp of subtlety. Maybe because I just don't show things as easily as people expect. Probably because I have more faith in people than they like to give me credit for. And I'm worried. Nobody goes from borderline despondent back to normal overnight. But she did, and that makes me wonder if I'm kicked back to square one. I hope not. It's hard to sit and watch people deal with themselves but it's even harder to try and get involved. It's just complicated all around. Especially when you don't know what to do. But, things are going in a good direction, so I'm a little less worried. She asked about the comics and how I draw t...

The moments when I open my mouth and say things are when my troubles start. They are always self-inflicted. I need, like, a filter.

Last week was a great week. And I still just as good about this week as I did about last week. I think it's going to be a great week. This and every week. Forever. It's just intuition. I didn't realize that the cord to my headphones was, like, twelve feet long. It's just insane. I had to coil it up and then tie it so it wouldn't get tangled up in everything. I had a long conversation last night with a friend about the zombie apocalypse. And I realized that we're not ready for it. When the zombies come, we're all going to panic and probably die. Which is not okay. The thing I took away from it was inspiration to go back and take a look at my zombie story. I was planning to work on it this weekend but I got distracted by other things. But no longer! Today I'm going to sit down for at least a couple of hours and work on it. It's been simmering in the back of my mind for months now. I've been stuck at this one part, which is why I stopp...

Shopping was a pretty good time. Even though it was raining and being at the mall is generally terrible, it was a pretty good time. I don't really get to hang out with John all that much anymore, so it was nice getting to do that again. I mean, just hanging out with him. Usually it's within the context of hanging out with the gang. And it was something I took for granted. Just chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool. I think it's something he doesn't do all too often now. And that's bad. So we walked around, shopped, ate, drove around a little and talked about goofy stuff. Just like old times. I've always wondered how adults can lose track of their friends so easily. That always boggled my mind. I mean, if you're such good friends, how can you just stop hanging out with them and doing friend stuff? I think I understand it a little better, now. We just get too caught up in ourselves and what we think we should be doing. And then we forget about ...

Those crazy kids. I like tutoring. Dealing with kids is actually pretty fun, even though I complain about kids a lot. Too bad I only get to do it once a week. I feel like there's so much we can learn from kids and blah blah blah. Just, you know, your typical "kids are so great and we grew up too much" kind of stuff. I ate so much tonight. I'm actually really full. We're going to go clothes shopping this weekend! I'm pretty excited. That means I can get some jeans or some button-ups or some sweaters or some sweater vests or something. It's going to be great.

I think the worst thing you can do is put a bunch of women in a room together. Like, I really think it's the worst thing ever. They can all be great, wonderful people individually but when you put them all together to play board games... it sucks. It's a mess because they don't know how to organize themselves. There's no order, just chaos. Chaos and loud, obnoxious women. What is it about women that makes them so loud and obnoxious when they congregate? Bunch of uncivilized savages. And I, of course, am the wildly unbiased observer. I drew this in a rush, which explains why the background only has one color instead of three (which would have indicated layering) and why it just generally looks rushed. There is an actual plan to this story arc, but I couldn't resist responding to the comments my friend was making. I was running late to the Women in Medicine meeting which was actually interesting during the lecture portion. I also didn't get a chance to f...

I totally would've forgotten about it. In fact, I totally did forget about it until it got mentioned today. But, you know, gotta play it cool! And, so, you know. Yeah. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. A long, inconvenient day. I think I'm going to go home this weekend. I'm going to go home and then go to a store and look at sweaters. Because I want to wear a sweater with a shirt underneath it.

Man, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do about that. I can force myself to talk more while eating, even though that's a ridiculously hard habit to break. I can relax more. But how I use dining utensils? I mean, come on here. That's being a little ridiculous. Maybe I'm not the one who needs to relax. What happened to it being quirky? Not that I'm upset or anything. I've got another story arc planned out for my comics mainly because I don't feel like I can think of any more one-shot comics that are funny enough. So I have to go for depressing. The thing that I've found is that, no matter how depressing people find things to be, they can still laugh. At depressing things. It's because they don't know how else to react. And because they don't know, they try to find the funny side. It's a coping mechanism. And I love it. I need to go clothes shopping. I need more button-up shirts. All of my button-ups have sleeves are ...

I forgot how much I love playing soccer. That game is just fun. It's more fun that ultimate frisbee. Or disc golf. Soccer. It lets you get all your aggression out. Gives you a focus for it. Gets your blood pumping. There's nothing quite like the feeling of the grass ripping up under your cleats as you run down the field. Nothing quite like the sound of the ball bouncing off of your foot into the air. Nothing quite like the feeling you get when you intercept a ball at the last second and have it bounce back to hit them in the face. Not that, you know, you do that on purpose. It was a good game. And a good time coming back to find out a good test grade. Today was a good day. Soccer, grades, finally scheduled my exam. I have a good feeling about this week. I think it's going to be a good time. I feel different. I feel... good. I'm excited.

D:

I don't really know if things are totally back to normal. Partly because I don't know if things were ever really normal and partly because I'm not really sure what constitutes normal. All I know is that I'm not worried about it. I've learned that people are not perfect. So, then, it follows that relationships between people will not be perfect. And the trick to making it successful is accepting that it won't always be a great time. Something to work on, I guess. A friend of mine told me that she believed that there wasn't one person out there for us. And she told me that the trick was just to find someone who makes you happy. And that's it. So I guess I really don't care if things aren't normal. I don't need them to be.

Organic chemistry tests are exhausting. I feel like my brain shut down an hour ago but the rest of my is either too stubborn or too dumb to realize it. Like, am I hungry? I don't even know. I am but I'm not? I can't even remember. Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

I have been told, from time to time, that I am too nice of a person. To the point where even when I'm trying to be mean, I'm still nice. To the point where I am a pushover. To the point where it makes people feel guilty. To the point where it's a fault. And so, as a thought experiment, I tried to figure out what constitutes as being nice. Obviously, the conscious efforts. Not so obviously, the unconscious efforts. So I sat and I thought about them and tried to eliminate them. How do you stop being a nice guy? First, you just act like everything is a normal, casual, boring experience. Don't get excited, don't ask for anything. So I tried it. Maybe it was too drastic; somebody noticed.

I can't say that I'm particularly surprised. I knew what I was getting into. I guess the lesson to take away from this is that people can be spectacularly stupid sometimes. Which is a pretty good lesson to learn. It's always nice to figure out what the people you spend your time with are really like. That way you hold them in a lower regard than you did before, just like they want you to. I mean, if they didn't want that then they wouldn't bring it up all the time, right? I guess it's just disappointing. I did some thinking last night. I'm making a mess of things. Man, fuck everything.

Suddenly there is a lot to worry about. There's too much stuff to do. Stress levels, rising. Panic, panic, panic! Can't sleep. Too tired. Too much to do. Not enough time to take care of everything. I just need a to detox without running the risk of catching death. Or, I guess, I could bite the bullet on that one. Are things getting worked out? I can't tell sometimes. I think so. Or, I'd like to think so. I feel like they are. I think things are going well. It's a matter of perception, though. Do I count as optimistic? My head is spinning. I need to play some music. Write something? I need to write zombies. I keep thinking about it. Thinking about everything, really. I feel like I'm stressing out over finals, but it's just regular tests. And labs. And whatever else. I don't even know. Also, what's up with people telling me things and then forgetting and acting like I'm a jackass when I remember? Is that, like, the new thi...

People are difficult. I'm tired.

I don't know. I just feel like shit and it's my fault. I just never have anything to say. I don't. I don't even know what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. I don't. It's frustrating when people expect you to. The truth is, I can't really say what I want if I don't know what I want. That makes me sound like an idiot, but what can you do. I just never know what to say. Nothing ever comes to mind.

It's hard to know what to expect when you do things. So I just generally don't expect anything to happen as a result of my actions. This tactic invariably leads to one of two outcomes: disappointment because something bad happened (ie. I get in trouble) or awkward disappointment because nothing happens. They say things like, "I guess this didn't turn out the way you planned." and I think something like, Well no because I didn't plan anything, but this did turn out exactly how I imagined it would. Awkwardly. Sometimes I like to get on craigslist and look through the musician postings. There are always a bunch of them posting things like, "Need drummer" or "PROS ONLY - NEED GIGS" or "looking for like minded death metal grind core enthusiasts" and the like. But then there are some that are appealing to me. Like "lo-fi campus band seeks anyone for drums - have set" or "indie folk band seeks multi-instrumentalists ...

So today I went around listening to the Casino Royale soundtrack between classes. It was interesting. Listening to the intense tracks that correspond to action sequences while walking around doing normal daily activities. It was too much. It got me too pumped up. My heart was beating way too fast and I was getting adrenaline surges shuffling down crowded hallways. It made me really uncomfortable, actually. Like I needed to start running and jumping and pushing people out of the way. Like I had to do something important. Like I was Bond, James Bond. And I started tutoring today with the Victory Tutorial Program. Neither of my assigned kids showed up. So I just sort of sat there and filled out some paperwork. Also, I need to brush up on my "school talk" Spanish. I have a week.

I don't even know where to buy flowers. Are there, like, flower stores? I don't know. There are things which I hesitate to do because, in my experience, surprises never work out the way you want them to. You put in the time and effort and thought, and then it all falls apart and doesn't happen like you imagined it would. Or someone tells you that they don't really even like surprises. I guess the question is, does that make it not worth the effort?

Sometimes I talk too much.

My favorite thing about being in college and mostly self-responsible is that I can eat cereal straight out of the box and drink milk straight from the carton and nobody can tell me to put them together in a bowl and use silverware. It's, well, awesome . I got something off my chest and I feel like a free man.

I've recently had an epiphany. Or just a normal realization. Or just sort of remembered something. Well, a couple of things. You do not have to be religious to be a good or happy person. And I am a pretty okay person. Also, I'm a pretty happy person despite what my external and internal dialogues suggest. Technically that is a few things. But I can be a better person. And I've been trying. It's a good thing to do, I think. I'm also pretty sure this is not the first time I've resolved to be a better person, which is either a testament to my failure or an indication of my constant longing to improve the lives of others and the world around me by first improving myself. It's the latter. Trust me. I've also recently come to realize that I need to quit fighting it and just grow up. I'm technically an adult right now even though I don't act like it. And that's not okay anymore. It's time, I think, for me to start acting my age--or ...

I literally have nothing to say. I'm sure that is significant.

Ultimate frisbee tryouts have left me exhausted and sore, but I love it. It's super competitive and I basically have no shot at making it onto the team, but the week-long experience was totally worth it. And it was fun. And at least I can say I tried and gave it my best effort. I regret nothing! But I lost it today. I lost my cool. I told him I was excited about my dad coming home. "What are you, gay?" He asked, snickering. I bit my tongue and let it slide. He didn't know better. But the whole thing repeated itself later when we were in the car. I listened to a message from my mom. And then I lost it. I turned to him. "If you say one more thing about my dad I'm going to punch you in the fucking face." I could feel my blood starting boil and my fist started to curl by reflex. "Are you serious?" He said. "I'm totally fucking serious." I hate losing control like that. Of my temper, of my emotions, of myself. It...

I wonder, sometimes, if the things I do--the things I am--actually push people away. Or if I just imagine that. And if so, is that something that you actively rectify or something you ignore and accept? I guess it comes down to whether or not I should worry. And I promised I wouldn't worry anymore. Oh well. Things are going well enough. I just need to get comfortable with where they're going. Whatever the fuck that means.

Good news always follows the terrible news. At this point, I really am not interested in anything else. I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll be the best day ever. And the day after that will be the best day ever. And it'll continue like that forever. And now, after all the gloom, things are looking up for our plucky hero.

I am exhausted. This weekend did not turn out the way I had hoped or expected, and I didn't even expect that much. The whole thing just seemed to be a long, drawn out ordeal that was over before I even realized it started. I would rather have been miserable in class than do the whole weekend over again. I have never really understood periods. Specifically, I have never quite understood how a girl can not realize it's her "time of the month" when "that time of the month" features blood coming out of her vagina. That just boggles my mind. But it's my time of the month. I can't help being moody sometimes. I try not to give in to mood swings, but everybody is entitled to a little emotional wonkiness every once in a while. These past couple of days, though, I feel like there's some kind of seething bitterness welling up inside of me. And I'm doing everything I can to hold it in, but it's leaking out at the seams. This unbelievable n...

My legs are just too tired to do anything properly anymore. Also, my shoulders. But it's the first weekend of the semester, and that's good news. All I want to do is hang out, play some music, hang out, and relax. I'm looking forward to the next couple of days. There is so much to do, though. Lots of drawing and reading. But I'm not worried. Nothing worries me anymore!

I knew exactly what I was getting into when I signed up for a class called Ballroom Dancing , but it didn't hit me until I was actually standing in the classroom. What it essentially boiled down to was that ballroom dancing combined two of my absolute least favorite things in a bi-weekly, hour-long session: dancing and social interaction. Every Tuesday and Thursday for an hour I have to not only meet and make small talk with complete strangers but also dance with them. And then I have to remember names and faces and details and all kinds of terrible things so that I don't constantly ask them what their names are. And I can't fake it, either. Girls don't respond well when you refer to them as "dude" or "man." I think the fact that it forces me to step so far out of my comfort zone is largely why I signed up for the course in the first place. It's good for me, or so I'm sure I will be told at some point. I also signed up for it because I'...

I definitely didn't plan for it to happen. I only wanted to get something to eat. I just happened to look outside at the right time. There was a bright flash, a pause, and the loudest roll of thunder I've heard in my time at UT. So I stepped out of line and went for a walk. I love to walk through the rain. It's cold. Brisk. Refreshing. And you're guaranteed to be alone. And so I walked through campus with my hands in my pockets and the rain falling on my head. I got to think about things, which is either something I don't do enough or something I do way too much. I can't find the middle ground there. But I think my problem is that I expect too much from people. People don't think like I do. And they don't do things that I do. And I forget that. I expect them to and when they don't I feel jaded until I remind myself of the facts. I guess I'm just selfish and moody. Something to work on. I needed the walk. And at the end of it, I t...

All things considered, it was a good trip. It was nice to reconnect with old friends and meet new people. And, though it might have been a complete clusterfuck, caving was fun. Caving is always fun. Being outside was the best part, though. A miniature vacation right before classes start? Quality time in pleasant parts of nature for free? Great food with no effort? It's a hell of a way to start off a new year. I've never eaten so much food before. I desperately need to brush up on my Spanish. While it was nice to get blood flowing to that part of my brain, it was a decidedly unsexy demonstration of my lingual ability. A crippling embarrassment. But these things happen, I suppose. It shouldn't be too hard to pick back up again. It hasn't been that long. It'll be like picking up clarinet again. Or riding a bike. I am very much not ready for classes to start up again. All I want to do is hang out, meet people, and buy a Batman poster. I think that sound...

Well, I'm all moved in. And I really went all out this year. My dorm room is decorated with things from my bedroom . It's, you know, something. Except that I have a picture frame with no picture in it. I just don't have any pictures worth framing right now. Maybe that will change? We'll see what happens. I'm starting my junior year in college. Shit. I don't think I'm ready for classes to start again. I mean, I barely got a summer. I was in class. No rest for the weary, I guess. And tomorrow I'm leaving on a geology school orientation-type trip. It's for the freshmen to meet each other and their advisers and some school-mates. It's going to be interesting. I'm good with kids. But these kids are my age, and I'm not good with people my age. So they're not really kids. I don't really even know all that much about geology. "Look guys, this is a rock. It's kind of rock-colored. Let's go climb on those ...

Houston was an incredible disappointment. My driving was off, I wasn't feeling great, we sort of got lost, I was tired, and after we finally got to the place, it sucked. It was a giant kid's center. It was not at all what I imagined and it was awful. There wasn't any cool Star Wars stuff. An hour later we turned around and went home. An entire day and a lot of money wasted. Something always goes critically wrong with my plans. PLUCKY HERO suffers 15 damage to LIFE ENTHUSIASM. PLUCKY HERO has acquired LVL. 23 PESSIMISM. Live and learn, I guess. Today's lesson is to never go to Houston under any circumstances. And that acting on nerdy impulse leads to disappointment. And that Ashley has better directional intuition than me. Life is terrible.

I've been on kind of a music playing binge these last couple of days. Playing all the songs I can remember on all the instruments that I can for as long as I can. I had a couple conversations with a couple of people about music and life and other things and they both really hit home. Like a punch in the gut. Or a split reed on a lip. Or something that sticks with you for a while. Not the best feeling. Life's going by pretty quickly now, and I'm still spinning in circles trying to do everything I want. Scattered. Too interested in everything. I've got to sit down and figure out what I actually can do with the time I've got left because time is not a luxury I really have. Which is also not the best feeling. There are just too many things out there I want to be into. It's not fair that I can't do all of them, I think. I'm afraid that if I let music become a side thing for me that I'm going to end up dropping it almost entirely. Actually, it...

She's right.

My name is Gabe and I am a compulsive liar. I tell lies before I even finish registering what was said to me and before I start to think of a legitimate response. It's not something that I mean to do, it's just something that happens outside of my conscious control. I don't mean badly, it's just that words tend to fall out of my mouth in ways that sound reasonable and believable but are complete falsehoods. I am totally innocent here and cannot be held responsible for the things I say when I'm not telling the truth. Everything after this statement is true. I am going to stop lying all the time! Might be impossible! PLUCKY HERO has acquired LVL. 1 HONESTY!

After a certain point you can't just call it stage fright. Use it or lose it, they say. And I am in the middle of losing it. And it is a bad feeling. That's what I get for looking and thinking for so long and not actually doing. Not playing. Like I should be. What kind of musician doesn't play his instruments? Maybe that's what threw me off. Preoccupied. Bothered. Mental conflict between the things I love. Something has to change. I've got to justify keeping those horns around. Or I've got to get rid of them.

So Comics Fight is over. What. An. Experience. It's. Been.

"Do you know about the flood?" I pushed the newspaper into my bag and looked at him. "I'm sorry, what?" He stepped closer. "I asked if you knew about the flood." I looked around. "What flood?" " The flood." He said. He pointed to a shell in the limestone wall in front of us. "See this shell? This shell got here during a flood. All these shells in all these walls got into the rocks during a big flood. A flood that covered up a lot of land." Images and information flooded my mind like a slideshow on fast forward. Shells, rock, limestone, water, sea, millions of years. Deposition, sediment, cementation, calcification. "Really?" I said. "There are sea shells on top of Mt. Everest." He said. "Wow." I said. And so we talked. We talked about religion. He told me about how he'd had a religious/spiritual awakening twelve years ago where, after an entire life of religious bel...

She was smaller than I was used to, but in a way it was better. She was shorter, tighter. Not what I was used to. But she moved the way I wanted her to when I wanted her to. Moved with me. And after all the bouncing and rocking, I stepped back and looked her over. There was still work to do--problems to work out. I wiped the sweat from my brow and I knew that I had made a good decision. It was just one of those things that you knew was a good idea. You don't always feel so comfortable so quickly. Something to be thankful for, I guess. I locked her up on the post and walked inside. It was a good first test ride on the bike. I have a new dancing partner. A friend asked me to draw a comic for a shirt. And this is that comic. I'm kind of tired.

So Comics Fight is underway, which is super exciting. It's a lot of work and coordination, but it's worth it. Although, I'm not entirely sure why we made a Facebook event group for it the day before it started. If we wanted to make sure we had an audience, we should've made it sooner. But, I am not complaining all that much. The whole thing is pretty cool, and it's good practice for the Whodunnit? Murder Mystery Dinner that we're hoping to put our characters through in the fall. Also, doing a big fight between comics (a la Civil War!) means we get to do tie-in comics. Just like real comic artists! I've been thinking these last couple of days and I'm afraid that I'm going to waste my life running around in circles trying to do everything and never really doing anything. Jack-of-all-trades, master of none . Somebody has to ask the hard questions. But, in important news, this is my 200th blog post. That's 200 posts full of absolutely nothi...

Rock climbing was a blast. I had almost forgotten how much fun it was. It's so much different when you're actually out there and not just climbing up a wall in a gym. When you've got the sun beating down on you as you reach your hand up blindly to grab at a ledge that isn't there. When you slip and fall out into the air knowing that the knot in the rope you tied is the only thing keeping you from falling on the rocks under you. It's a thrill. Not knowing if you'll make it up that last ledge. I need to get into it more. Some of my friends want to meet her. "We have to meet her, you know." "Why?" I say. "Because that's just how things go. You know that. We have to approve." "But it's been however long it's been. Can't you just assume that it's not bad?" "No," they say. "We have to meet her." And after thinking very carefully about all of it, I don't have any proble...

I met up with a couple of old friends tonight. And a new friend. A few friends. The one thing that has always bothered me was the handshake. I know what a handshake is. I'd like to think that I give out pretty reasonable handshakes. But everybody seems to have a different idea of what a handshake is. You grab hands and shake them. This is what you do for people that you have just recently met or are only acquainted with or if you are feeling like being a little formal with your buddies. I understand that when it's good buddies you do the bro-shake and grab thumbs and optionally go in for the shoulder pat. This is, however, reserved exclusively for good buddies. Not for people that you don't know very well. You cannot be somebody's bro if you have only just met them. The rules of etiquette here are very simple. So I cannot for the life of me understand why people go for the bro-shake when you clearly are not good buddies. It makes the entire thing awkward be...

It's kind of funny. The less sleep I get, the more comfortable I feel, the more honest I get. I tell people all kinds of things that I wouldn't normally. But then again, I'm not sure I can say what is normal because I am rarely well rested. I'm not sure where my mind is taking me. Somewhere, I guess. I'm just glad everything got worked out. Honestly, I was worried there for a while. Communication problems can really do amazing things. It was like playing a twisted game of telephone. Everybody had a different message to share and everybody thought everybody was somebody else. If that makes sense. Guessing at someone's thoughts is always disastrous. And people are so inconsistent. People surprise you like that. You think you have someone pegged and then all of a sudden you roll over and they are somebody totally different. Opposite. I think we're not so unalike. "It's not going to magically solve everything, and I think that's exact...

School is creeping up very quickly and I am very much less than ready for it even though technically I am already in school and have been for the entire summer. I am, however, ready for Comics Fight . Which we are trying to plan out. It's going to be badass.

And things are looking up for our plucky hero. Also, I'm so unbelievably exhausted.

Good things are temperamental and never last. Bad things, too. All things, actually. That's a belief I hold as true. Is that depressing? I guess. It's definitely not cheery. It's not really depressing either. It just... is. Good things take work that not everybody is capable of doing or keeping up. And even if you do manage to keep the whole thing going, it tends to slip through your fingers when you aren't looking. Like sand. I guess good things are like sand. A lot of it everywhere, but you can't ever really hold on to it. Maybe the sun boiled my brain a little bit. People just don't understand each other. Oh well. Deal with good things on a day-to-day basis, I guess.

I am so tired and I have a headache my head is going to explode I'm going to forget something tomorrow I just know it I'm already forgetting something I haven't even started packing yet there's still so much left to do God shit fuck I have to wake up early and finish taking care of all this stuff why can't going to the beach be something that's also relaxing in theory. Tomorrow: the ocean. Tonight: head explodey.

A good friend of mine sold me his old mountain bike. Now I have a bike! Things are looking up for our plucky hero. Speaking of plucky heroes, my hand is unbelievably tired. I am never going to do something like this in one sitting again. Somebody please, tell me I don't have to draw another comic until Monday.

Sometimes--a lot of times--I forget what day it is and then I look at my calendar and it's Tuesday and I still haven't touched my lab report. Not so good. I'm still trying to improve my art. It's a slow going process, but with more studying and more practice, it'll pay off. I can already see some improvement! I did this for the Texan: Just kidding.

I really want to go to the aquarium now. Also, I want a boat when I go to the ocean so I can mess around in a boat.

I stood and watched as she flipped through the pages lazily. Pages of doodles with class notes inserted sparingly between them. All dwarfed by the blank pages. Notebooks full of these pages. She mentioned something about sketches and it was at that moment that it dawned on me. I am a cartoonist without a sketchbook . I mean, sure, I doodle and sketch things in my actual notebooks or on random pieces of paper in my room but I've never had a notebook--a sketchbook--to put all of them in exclusively. And so I got one. Well, I already had one, but it was empty. I thumbed through the pages to make sure. I gathered my drawing utensils and cleared away some clutter from my desk. My drawing desk which has apparently been repurposed as a "dump all of your shit on top of it in haphazardly constructed piles so that you can't use it or find anything on it" desk. I flipped open to the first page and put my pencil to the paper. And suddenly I didn't have anything to d...

A friend of mine asked me if it would be weird to attend her wedding in four or five years. I didn't have to think very long to respond. In fact, as soon as I saw the word wedding I started to panic a little. Growing up is such a scary prospect. And I know I've talked about it already--it just bothers me that much. And I know there's nothing to be done about it except go along with it as best you can. We are all growing up and some people just aren't very good at coping with it. Four or five years is not a very long time. High school was a blur that, in hindsight, felt more like a month than four years. I've been playing clarinet for over eight years, but that doesn't seem so long. So four or five years is going to be here tomorrow, and I will still not be ready for it. Weddings are just weird. It's strange when it's composed of people you don't know, it's strange when it's people you do know, and it's insane when it's peopl...

Planning for big things is hard. There are always little details you forget or little details that people don't tell you until the last minute. Or details that people nag you about. Or details people rub in your face until you plan around them the way they want. Or they just don't tell you at all and get mad later. Or they tell you and make you mad and don't realize it. If there's one thing I've learned when it comes to making big plans with big groups of people it's that in the planning stage, everybody will get angsty. There will be some infighting, some resentment, and some group tension. Then, as the trip progresses, the tempers go down into a resigned bitterness that simmers until the end of the trip when it explodes in a tempest of passive-aggressive acts that leave everybody drained and angry. Which is, of course, my favorite part of the whole thing.

In all honesty, I am not much of a party person. I'll go, but I have a hard time being sociable. I'm the guy who stands off to the side and nurses his drink. Or I'm the guy sitting in the chair looking around. Or I'm the guy standing in the middle of the crowd smiling and looking around while nursing his drink. They're fun, sure. For a while. I guess I am just not a lively person. But we started planning out our mega crossover epic. Which is going to be amazing. Ambitious? Yes. Insanely difficult to pull off? Also yes. But it's a challenge, and challenges are fun. And if we can actually do the whole thing, it'll make history. Well, when we do the whole thing.