everything is fine

I actually really wanted to go to the haunted house. Otherwise I wouldn't have tried to get everybody excited about it. "Let's just play it by ear," I said. "I bet we can get tickets there." And, of course, we couldn't. It was a clusterfuck. And then I was the bad guy. And it was getting late and it was cold and everyone was disappointed and we just went back home. Halloween! I played some music today because I had the free time and because I'm so excited about playing music this weekend. I didn't write anything new, but I got to play something for somebody. Which is always nice. I need to take advantage of that more often. I think I really struck a chord with her today, though. She told me she could feel the emotion in the song I was playing. And she opened up. It was excellent. I'll have to play clarinet for her soon. Jonathan and Rachel did a fucking amazing job with this. I keep staring at it thinking about how good it look...

Well, registration is in the morning. I need to take field methods to stay relatively on track with my geology degree. I say that I need to because: I don't want to procrastinate in college--I've got plans for my life--and I don't really want to get off track with the friends I'm making in my geology classes right now. I also need to take organic chemistry to stay relatively on track with pre-medicine requirements. I can't take both because they're double-booked. So, I guess it really comes down to this: which is more important to me? Geology or medicine? It's not an easy choice. Life's tough like that, sometimes. So, in these next few hours, I'll be doing some soul searching. Or maybe I'm just over-analyzing things. Either way, it doesn't really matter. This weekend is going to be great. I don't know what I'm going to be for Halloween, but I don't care. I'm going to play some music and it's going to be amazi...

I've been keeping my ears open--and my mind wandering. And I can feel that swell again. The fingers aching for the feel of metal and wood again. I think I'm going to be writing some stuff in these next few days. I don't know what it's going to be about, but it's going to be satisfying. And then I'll make a band. I've got a bass player. Or, you know what, I think that's all I need. I just need to get this going. Transcribe some stuff? It's hard to play with new people. Do you prepare stuff you already have or do you let new stuff come out. I don't know. But it doesn't matter as long as we get jamming. And we will. Copying someone else's drawing style is really hard. And really time consuming. I'm so glad I'm working on it on the computer so I can just magically do away with all my many mistakes. I would go insane if I did it by hand. I'm figuring out my schedule for next semester. I'm going to be a busy, bus...

It's hard to like his music because I don't like him on principle. And I think he has a bad singing voice. But we had to listen to the song so many times that I started to notice something about it. The music. There was something about it. The instruments, the way they fit together, and the way the song grew and built. It was music. It was like a tide--ebbing and flowing and I couldn't help but feel that when we were dancing. It was penetrating. Permeating. Inundating. Intoxicating. "Do you miss jazz band?" She asked. "Yes." I immediately answered. "I miss it a lot. And you don't get opportunities like that anymore." "Yeah." She said. I need my saxophone. I neeeeed it. I need someone to sit there for about twenty minutes playing blues while I empty my brain out. God, I need it. I need to play music with somebody. I feel like I'm dying. Like I'm suffocating. Like I'm fucking drowning . I won...

Well, that's it. I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm twenty years old. I don't feel older. Or more mature. Or anything really. I'm just a guy--a man, even--who spins around in circles too much. Maybe I'll have that life awakening experience next year. It was a pretty good day. I woke up to the words "Congratulations on successfully earning your national EMS certification." And everybody was really happy today. And I just felt good all day. And even the weather was really nice. The perfect mix of moody, cold, and depressing--my kind of day. I had my tarot cards read today. Which I was absolutely not expecting to have happen. I also read some astrology stuff about myself. It wasn't anything I didn't already know, naturally. I mean, how much can a book like that really tell you about yourself? For that matter, what can a deck of cards tell you? A surprising and sobering amount, actually. Which is good, I guess. I am bored. I have to ...

I didn't expect today to go well after this morning. My laundry came out either warm and dry or still damp. But all of it was completely and utterly wrinkled. That was, for some reason, the most irritating thing that's happened to me in a while. I lost it. And then I heard that there was a hole that got punched in the cake. So I kind of gave up on stuff. But then I got told my writing was occasionally sexy. I've never gotten that compliment before. And it was really nice. I've gotten good , natural , and eloquent . But never sexy . That was when things turned around for the better. Then we went to see Where the Wild Things Are and that was a good time. It had a lot more to it than the book did, obviously. There was a lot of emotion. A lot of emotion I could relate to. The ending was sad and satisfying in an unsatisfying way. There was no heavy message getting spelled out for the audience, and I liked that. It wasn't too preachy. "Oh, I know yo...

I got to cook today. I've been looking forward to it all week. Chicken fettuccine alfredo with spinach. And I made my own sauce, too! I was excited to do it. I never really have a chance to experiment with my cooking since I have such limited opportunities to cook, period. It worked out surprisingly well, I think. And everyone smiled and was very polite when they told me it was good. Who knows. The only thing is that I'm starting to feel a little sick, so let's hope it's not from my own cooking. Because I cooked it with love. I have, perhaps, doomed us all. I cut my thumb when I was slicing a lemon in half. It was careless. And then it hurt. And it bled a little, but luckily I got it wrapped up with a paper towel and a rubber band. What kind of ghetto-medic shit is that? I'm really anxious about my test, actually. I took it this morning and it was pretty hard. So let's hope I didn't, you know, fucking fail it. I find out on Monday, I guess....

I can't believe it's already Thursday. I have to do so much studying tomorrow. I absolutely cannot afford to fail that EMT exam Saturday morning. I can't and I won't. It's my birthday present to myself. It'll make all the hard work justified and it'll make the weekend totally worth it. I hung out with some friends tonight. It was kinda weird because I really don't hang out with them all that much and I feel like I ought to. Partly because I work with them and partly because, well, hanging out with them is always so much fun. So hopefully that'll be happening a whole lot more often. I could use letting off steam. And that pie. I actually spent time drawing the background today. Well, not really. I drew the background and then turned the opacity down so it would look really fancy I guess. Spencer's coming in tomorrow for something. Hopefully we'll get to meet up. I want him to meet Ashley so I can get his opinion. I mean, you know...

For the past few weeks I have been observing the different ways people walk and I've discovered two different patterns. In men, I mean. Some guys take steps and immediately bounce back up onto the balls of their feet as they walk forward. They lean forward when they walk and it looks very awkward. They push themselves forward. These people are usually timid and quiet, always the sidekick friend seeking the approval of his peer group for his actions. He's always unsure of himself, which is why he leans forward to walk--he's always in a rush. The other pattern is taking steps and leaving the foot down until the last possible moment and then almost dragging it to the next step. These guys lean back when they walk. They usually move a little slower and basically pull themselves along. And they look confident. These are the loners and the leaders--never in a rush to get anywhere because the world revolves around them. Naturally, I fit into the latter group. I really ne...

So today I passed by a booth in the Jester foyer. It was about the student center for mental health on campus, and the various programs and whatnot it offers. I got a free stress ball. "It's really good," the girl at the booth told me. "The center, not the stress ball. Well, the stress ball too." "Great, thanks." I said. So I sat in my room and thought for a little bit. I looked at the website. They could talk to you about stress and anxiety. They could talk to you about depression. It seemed like they had a lot to offer and I thought that maybe it was something worth looking into. And so I made my way across campus to the student health center. But halfway there I chickened out and went to the Union to upgrade my ID card instead. And now my ID has proximity reader capability, which I think is pretty boss. I tried some of the self-help, hypnotherapy relaxation bullshit on their website and it didn't do anything but stress me out more bec...

So I thought it would be a good idea to go running today. I dressed out and took off running toward the Capital with my music getting me pumped up. As I made my round around the building, my ear buds fell out so I stopped to fix them. It hit me, then. The dizziness and the seeing spots and all that. I felt sick, and so I walked back home. I never really shook that malaise though. There just isn't enough time in the days to fit in all the studying I need to do. I can barely focus on anything because I'm trying to focus on everything at the same time. I love being stressed, but this is a little too much for me. There are too many important things that need to go well for me to keep track of. I'll go ahead and say it: I am unhappy with my situation. She brought up something that she was unhappy with. Which is good; that's what we want. It's always been much easier for her to do that. But it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair and I didn't have the ener...

I looked at my comic and realized that I forgot to draw The Administrator's beard. And then I looked at it again and realized that I had misspelled "thought." I am so embarrassed.

The most exciting part of my day was when I woke up and walked straight to CVS in my pajamas to buy shampoo. I was tired of using my cheap, mismatched shampoo and conditioner combination and after weeks of being unsatisfied with it, I bought some. After deliberating--agonizing--for minutes in the aisle, I finally settled on some Herbal Essences Anti-Frizz shampoo and conditioner. And some sort of Herbal Essences hair styling gel. Which was a magnificent failure. The problem is, really, that I don't know anything about hair--or fashion, for that matter. Or, I guess, that I really don't care. But I was excited about the shampoo and conditioner. And it made my hair feel amazing. Which is probably the most important part. This week is going to be so stressful. I'm probably going to be dead by the end of it. But, you know. Who's worried? I just really want to play soccer again. It's been, like, three weeks. I also really want to play the drums. I think I sho...

The other day I saw a butterfly fluttering around. Suddenly, a bird swooped down to snatch it out of the air. Before the bird could grab the butterfly in its beak, another bird swooped down and attacked the first bird. The two birds struggled in flight for a moment before going their separate ways. And the butterfly fluttered away. It's tempting to read into the story with some bullshit insight about how people can overcome their differences to help each other and accomplish good things which can then be applied to racism and intolerance and such. Or maybe it was a story about how lucky people can be without realizing it--or appreciating it. But I think the best interpretation is that it's easier for people to hate each other. I've been working on being less bitter and cynical because I haven't earned the right to be. I don't have enough jaded years under my belt to justify a world-weary attitude. And, more importantly, I don't need to be. I shouldn't...

The other day I found myself walking by the Harry Ransom Center through the courtyard. As I walked through, I came across a couple sitting together on a bench. They were making out. But they weren't just making out, they were making out with perfect form. Their backs were perfectly straight, their feet firmly planted on the ground, their arms wrapped around each other forming solid frames. They were bent over each other at angles that I've never seen a couple form before. It was uncomfortable to see. I won't pretend to know why , but last night I had a strange dream. I had a dream that I was a father. It was one of those idyllic scenes. You come home from work and there are, like, kids all excited to see you and stuff and there's, like, a lady in your nice house who you're married to. It was surprisingly not stressful. It was peaceful. It's something to look forward to, I'm told. And now I'm watching the ending of Knocked Up . It makes me wond...

Even though it seemed like a terrible idea, I went to the gym today. I went to the gym even though I donated blood today. I went to the gym even though everyone said it was a bad idea. I went to the gym because, well, You have to get serious about something eventually. And so, here we go! I do feel slightly terrible, but come on here: do I look like a bitch? Tests are inbound and I'm super unprepared. But, I mean, that's how it goes most of the time. I can't believe it's only Wednesday. It feels like the day where everything happens and I'm not prepared to deal with it. I really want to go somewhere and do something that isn't sitting around studying.

Today after lab I took some time to lay around in bed because I was tired. And then, in a moment of fleeting semi-consciousness, I watched some of Aladdin . A lot of people complain about how Disney movies promote this or that but what really caught my attention was the scene where the Sultan talks to Jasmine about getting married. Jasmine complains about how she doesn't want to be married off in spite of the law. About how important it is that she marry somebody she is in love with. And then, as he puts a dove back into its bird cage, the Sultan gets serious: "Jasmine, it's not only this law. I'm not going to be around forever, and I just want to make sure you're taken care of, provided for." The lights in his eyes dim for just a moment as he solemnly acknowledges his mortality. He lowers his defenses to express his honest concern for the future well being of his daughter. And, in response, she says: "Try to understand. I've never done a thi...

When it is a legitimate dilemma whether to go out with your friends for food or stay in and watch Return of the Jedi on television, you know that your life has become, well, something. And when you end up getting to do both? That's how you know you're the best. I need to get a good night of sleep tonight. I haven't been sleeping well these past few days, and it's killing me slowly. The headaches, the dizzy spells, the zoning out. But in my sleepless nocturnal hours I've been brainstorming my zombie story again. Not that I'll get a chance to write it soon. It's just good to keep it boiling in my mind, I guess. But I need sleep. I decided to do a Halloween themed story arc. I don't know how long I can keep the medic suspended, though. Probably not much longer. But I don't want to drag it out too long. I'm not even sure how to deal with it. I've never been in a situation like it before. At some point I'll have to talk about it-...

For a few days I sat around and wondered what happened to my good streak. It was there for days and then suddenly I was freaking out and getting stressed. But things are actually pretty good. Except for all the tests coming up. The weather is getting cold and so I get to wear all the sweet cold weather clothes I have. Which is pretty great, I think. I get to rock the balance between "I'm a handsome devil" and "I don't care," which is exactly where I want to hover. This week is about to kick off and I'm ready for it. I have to change my routine because I need to start going to the gym regularly. I have to, you know, get in shape. Gain some body mass. And everything worked out in the end. The only real problem is communication, which is definitely getting worked on. Lucky me.

I played music today. I played a lot of music today. And then I listened to more music. I got a bunch of new music to stimulate myself with. I haven't done that in a while. I also got some music from the 90's as a form of reeducation, I guess. Not sure what to say about that. Music helps with stress management. When I ignore music, I get stressed. But now I can play Mrs. Robinson . You know what else helps with stress? Sometimes it's like, why do I bother. I just don't have any expectations anymore. "We don't think alike." She said. "No," I replied. "We don't." And we walked down the hall. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who keeps the ball rolling, but I'm sure that's me just being unfair.

I took a long, slow walk through campus. There wasn't anybody else out. It was kind of surreal, like I had stepped into my imagined post-apocalyptic world. The only sound was my footsteps as I warily made my way across the abandoned campus under a sky of sickly red. The darkness behind me reached out with malicious tendrils, wrapping more around my ankles with each step. And then I got back to Jester and heard a bunch of terrible music playing, which totally ruined the atmosphere. It's always hard to admit that you're sucking it up at something. And I have been. But that's an easy fix. I just need to chill out. What is there to panic about? Besides everything? No, I guess that's not the way to approach it. I just need to relax. Which is hard. Like, who even knows how to do that anymore? Oh well.

I am ready for Fall. I am ready for a break. I am ready for, you know, whatever. I want to go save penguins in Australia. Or whatever. My brain is scattered. I had something to talk about earlier but I totally forgot. Today's comic is equally uninspired.

My days are getting overbooked. There's just too much to do. Too many things I need to do in order to do the too many things I want to do. I'm trying to prioritize things responsibly and it's getting pretty difficult. Things like the caving meeting I should go to since it's the last one before the caving trip I want to go on but there's also a comics seminar type thing at the same time and if I don't go to the caving meeting then I probably won't go on the trip which means I can go to Westlake's homecoming as an excuse to meet up with my classmates who I otherwise wouldn't have the initiative to meet up with otherwise and I won't have to worry about missing my soccer game. But then if I have time to do all those things then that means I have time to study more geology or chemistry which I should be doing because those tests are coming up again soon and I'm falling behind in my work. But I still have to worry about reviewing for my medic...

"I mean, do you even do that?" She asked. "Do what?" I asked. "Worry." "Yes." I said. She scoffed. And I do. A lot. I just don't show it like other people do, I guess. Which is to say I don't come and tell them I'm worried about them. Maybe because I have an uncanny grasp of subtlety. Maybe because I just don't show things as easily as people expect. Probably because I have more faith in people than they like to give me credit for. And I'm worried. Nobody goes from borderline despondent back to normal overnight. But she did, and that makes me wonder if I'm kicked back to square one. I hope not. It's hard to sit and watch people deal with themselves but it's even harder to try and get involved. It's just complicated all around. Especially when you don't know what to do. But, things are going in a good direction, so I'm a little less worried. She asked about the comics and how I draw t...

The moments when I open my mouth and say things are when my troubles start. They are always self-inflicted. I need, like, a filter.

Last week was a great week. And I still just as good about this week as I did about last week. I think it's going to be a great week. This and every week. Forever. It's just intuition. I didn't realize that the cord to my headphones was, like, twelve feet long. It's just insane. I had to coil it up and then tie it so it wouldn't get tangled up in everything. I had a long conversation last night with a friend about the zombie apocalypse. And I realized that we're not ready for it. When the zombies come, we're all going to panic and probably die. Which is not okay. The thing I took away from it was inspiration to go back and take a look at my zombie story. I was planning to work on it this weekend but I got distracted by other things. But no longer! Today I'm going to sit down for at least a couple of hours and work on it. It's been simmering in the back of my mind for months now. I've been stuck at this one part, which is why I stopp...

Shopping was a pretty good time. Even though it was raining and being at the mall is generally terrible, it was a pretty good time. I don't really get to hang out with John all that much anymore, so it was nice getting to do that again. I mean, just hanging out with him. Usually it's within the context of hanging out with the gang. And it was something I took for granted. Just chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool. I think it's something he doesn't do all too often now. And that's bad. So we walked around, shopped, ate, drove around a little and talked about goofy stuff. Just like old times. I've always wondered how adults can lose track of their friends so easily. That always boggled my mind. I mean, if you're such good friends, how can you just stop hanging out with them and doing friend stuff? I think I understand it a little better, now. We just get too caught up in ourselves and what we think we should be doing. And then we forget about ...

Those crazy kids. I like tutoring. Dealing with kids is actually pretty fun, even though I complain about kids a lot. Too bad I only get to do it once a week. I feel like there's so much we can learn from kids and blah blah blah. Just, you know, your typical "kids are so great and we grew up too much" kind of stuff. I ate so much tonight. I'm actually really full. We're going to go clothes shopping this weekend! I'm pretty excited. That means I can get some jeans or some button-ups or some sweaters or some sweater vests or something. It's going to be great.

I think the worst thing you can do is put a bunch of women in a room together. Like, I really think it's the worst thing ever. They can all be great, wonderful people individually but when you put them all together to play board games... it sucks. It's a mess because they don't know how to organize themselves. There's no order, just chaos. Chaos and loud, obnoxious women. What is it about women that makes them so loud and obnoxious when they congregate? Bunch of uncivilized savages. And I, of course, am the wildly unbiased observer. I drew this in a rush, which explains why the background only has one color instead of three (which would have indicated layering) and why it just generally looks rushed. There is an actual plan to this story arc, but I couldn't resist responding to the comments my friend was making. I was running late to the Women in Medicine meeting which was actually interesting during the lecture portion. I also didn't get a chance to f...

I totally would've forgotten about it. In fact, I totally did forget about it until it got mentioned today. But, you know, gotta play it cool! And, so, you know. Yeah. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. A long, inconvenient day. I think I'm going to go home this weekend. I'm going to go home and then go to a store and look at sweaters. Because I want to wear a sweater with a shirt underneath it.

Man, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do about that. I can force myself to talk more while eating, even though that's a ridiculously hard habit to break. I can relax more. But how I use dining utensils? I mean, come on here. That's being a little ridiculous. Maybe I'm not the one who needs to relax. What happened to it being quirky? Not that I'm upset or anything. I've got another story arc planned out for my comics mainly because I don't feel like I can think of any more one-shot comics that are funny enough. So I have to go for depressing. The thing that I've found is that, no matter how depressing people find things to be, they can still laugh. At depressing things. It's because they don't know how else to react. And because they don't know, they try to find the funny side. It's a coping mechanism. And I love it. I need to go clothes shopping. I need more button-up shirts. All of my button-ups have sleeves are ...

I forgot how much I love playing soccer. That game is just fun. It's more fun that ultimate frisbee. Or disc golf. Soccer. It lets you get all your aggression out. Gives you a focus for it. Gets your blood pumping. There's nothing quite like the feeling of the grass ripping up under your cleats as you run down the field. Nothing quite like the sound of the ball bouncing off of your foot into the air. Nothing quite like the feeling you get when you intercept a ball at the last second and have it bounce back to hit them in the face. Not that, you know, you do that on purpose. It was a good game. And a good time coming back to find out a good test grade. Today was a good day. Soccer, grades, finally scheduled my exam. I have a good feeling about this week. I think it's going to be a good time. I feel different. I feel... good. I'm excited.

D:

I don't really know if things are totally back to normal. Partly because I don't know if things were ever really normal and partly because I'm not really sure what constitutes normal. All I know is that I'm not worried about it. I've learned that people are not perfect. So, then, it follows that relationships between people will not be perfect. And the trick to making it successful is accepting that it won't always be a great time. Something to work on, I guess. A friend of mine told me that she believed that there wasn't one person out there for us. And she told me that the trick was just to find someone who makes you happy. And that's it. So I guess I really don't care if things aren't normal. I don't need them to be.

Organic chemistry tests are exhausting. I feel like my brain shut down an hour ago but the rest of my is either too stubborn or too dumb to realize it. Like, am I hungry? I don't even know. I am but I'm not? I can't even remember. Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

I have been told, from time to time, that I am too nice of a person. To the point where even when I'm trying to be mean, I'm still nice. To the point where I am a pushover. To the point where it makes people feel guilty. To the point where it's a fault. And so, as a thought experiment, I tried to figure out what constitutes as being nice. Obviously, the conscious efforts. Not so obviously, the unconscious efforts. So I sat and I thought about them and tried to eliminate them. How do you stop being a nice guy? First, you just act like everything is a normal, casual, boring experience. Don't get excited, don't ask for anything. So I tried it. Maybe it was too drastic; somebody noticed.

I can't say that I'm particularly surprised. I knew what I was getting into. I guess the lesson to take away from this is that people can be spectacularly stupid sometimes. Which is a pretty good lesson to learn. It's always nice to figure out what the people you spend your time with are really like. That way you hold them in a lower regard than you did before, just like they want you to. I mean, if they didn't want that then they wouldn't bring it up all the time, right? I guess it's just disappointing. I did some thinking last night. I'm making a mess of things. Man, fuck everything.

Suddenly there is a lot to worry about. There's too much stuff to do. Stress levels, rising. Panic, panic, panic! Can't sleep. Too tired. Too much to do. Not enough time to take care of everything. I just need a to detox without running the risk of catching death. Or, I guess, I could bite the bullet on that one. Are things getting worked out? I can't tell sometimes. I think so. Or, I'd like to think so. I feel like they are. I think things are going well. It's a matter of perception, though. Do I count as optimistic? My head is spinning. I need to play some music. Write something? I need to write zombies. I keep thinking about it. Thinking about everything, really. I feel like I'm stressing out over finals, but it's just regular tests. And labs. And whatever else. I don't even know. Also, what's up with people telling me things and then forgetting and acting like I'm a jackass when I remember? Is that, like, the new thi...

People are difficult. I'm tired.

I don't know. I just feel like shit and it's my fault. I just never have anything to say. I don't. I don't even know what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. I don't. It's frustrating when people expect you to. The truth is, I can't really say what I want if I don't know what I want. That makes me sound like an idiot, but what can you do. I just never know what to say. Nothing ever comes to mind.

It's hard to know what to expect when you do things. So I just generally don't expect anything to happen as a result of my actions. This tactic invariably leads to one of two outcomes: disappointment because something bad happened (ie. I get in trouble) or awkward disappointment because nothing happens. They say things like, "I guess this didn't turn out the way you planned." and I think something like, Well no because I didn't plan anything, but this did turn out exactly how I imagined it would. Awkwardly. Sometimes I like to get on craigslist and look through the musician postings. There are always a bunch of them posting things like, "Need drummer" or "PROS ONLY - NEED GIGS" or "looking for like minded death metal grind core enthusiasts" and the like. But then there are some that are appealing to me. Like "lo-fi campus band seeks anyone for drums - have set" or "indie folk band seeks multi-instrumentalists ...

So today I went around listening to the Casino Royale soundtrack between classes. It was interesting. Listening to the intense tracks that correspond to action sequences while walking around doing normal daily activities. It was too much. It got me too pumped up. My heart was beating way too fast and I was getting adrenaline surges shuffling down crowded hallways. It made me really uncomfortable, actually. Like I needed to start running and jumping and pushing people out of the way. Like I had to do something important. Like I was Bond, James Bond. And I started tutoring today with the Victory Tutorial Program. Neither of my assigned kids showed up. So I just sort of sat there and filled out some paperwork. Also, I need to brush up on my "school talk" Spanish. I have a week.

I don't even know where to buy flowers. Are there, like, flower stores? I don't know. There are things which I hesitate to do because, in my experience, surprises never work out the way you want them to. You put in the time and effort and thought, and then it all falls apart and doesn't happen like you imagined it would. Or someone tells you that they don't really even like surprises. I guess the question is, does that make it not worth the effort?

Sometimes I talk too much.

My favorite thing about being in college and mostly self-responsible is that I can eat cereal straight out of the box and drink milk straight from the carton and nobody can tell me to put them together in a bowl and use silverware. It's, well, awesome . I got something off my chest and I feel like a free man.

I've recently had an epiphany. Or just a normal realization. Or just sort of remembered something. Well, a couple of things. You do not have to be religious to be a good or happy person. And I am a pretty okay person. Also, I'm a pretty happy person despite what my external and internal dialogues suggest. Technically that is a few things. But I can be a better person. And I've been trying. It's a good thing to do, I think. I'm also pretty sure this is not the first time I've resolved to be a better person, which is either a testament to my failure or an indication of my constant longing to improve the lives of others and the world around me by first improving myself. It's the latter. Trust me. I've also recently come to realize that I need to quit fighting it and just grow up. I'm technically an adult right now even though I don't act like it. And that's not okay anymore. It's time, I think, for me to start acting my age--or ...

I literally have nothing to say. I'm sure that is significant.

Ultimate frisbee tryouts have left me exhausted and sore, but I love it. It's super competitive and I basically have no shot at making it onto the team, but the week-long experience was totally worth it. And it was fun. And at least I can say I tried and gave it my best effort. I regret nothing! But I lost it today. I lost my cool. I told him I was excited about my dad coming home. "What are you, gay?" He asked, snickering. I bit my tongue and let it slide. He didn't know better. But the whole thing repeated itself later when we were in the car. I listened to a message from my mom. And then I lost it. I turned to him. "If you say one more thing about my dad I'm going to punch you in the fucking face." I could feel my blood starting boil and my fist started to curl by reflex. "Are you serious?" He said. "I'm totally fucking serious." I hate losing control like that. Of my temper, of my emotions, of myself. It...

I wonder, sometimes, if the things I do--the things I am--actually push people away. Or if I just imagine that. And if so, is that something that you actively rectify or something you ignore and accept? I guess it comes down to whether or not I should worry. And I promised I wouldn't worry anymore. Oh well. Things are going well enough. I just need to get comfortable with where they're going. Whatever the fuck that means.

Good news always follows the terrible news. At this point, I really am not interested in anything else. I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll be the best day ever. And the day after that will be the best day ever. And it'll continue like that forever. And now, after all the gloom, things are looking up for our plucky hero.

I am exhausted. This weekend did not turn out the way I had hoped or expected, and I didn't even expect that much. The whole thing just seemed to be a long, drawn out ordeal that was over before I even realized it started. I would rather have been miserable in class than do the whole weekend over again. I have never really understood periods. Specifically, I have never quite understood how a girl can not realize it's her "time of the month" when "that time of the month" features blood coming out of her vagina. That just boggles my mind. But it's my time of the month. I can't help being moody sometimes. I try not to give in to mood swings, but everybody is entitled to a little emotional wonkiness every once in a while. These past couple of days, though, I feel like there's some kind of seething bitterness welling up inside of me. And I'm doing everything I can to hold it in, but it's leaking out at the seams. This unbelievable n...

My legs are just too tired to do anything properly anymore. Also, my shoulders. But it's the first weekend of the semester, and that's good news. All I want to do is hang out, play some music, hang out, and relax. I'm looking forward to the next couple of days. There is so much to do, though. Lots of drawing and reading. But I'm not worried. Nothing worries me anymore!

I knew exactly what I was getting into when I signed up for a class called Ballroom Dancing , but it didn't hit me until I was actually standing in the classroom. What it essentially boiled down to was that ballroom dancing combined two of my absolute least favorite things in a bi-weekly, hour-long session: dancing and social interaction. Every Tuesday and Thursday for an hour I have to not only meet and make small talk with complete strangers but also dance with them. And then I have to remember names and faces and details and all kinds of terrible things so that I don't constantly ask them what their names are. And I can't fake it, either. Girls don't respond well when you refer to them as "dude" or "man." I think the fact that it forces me to step so far out of my comfort zone is largely why I signed up for the course in the first place. It's good for me, or so I'm sure I will be told at some point. I also signed up for it because I'...

I definitely didn't plan for it to happen. I only wanted to get something to eat. I just happened to look outside at the right time. There was a bright flash, a pause, and the loudest roll of thunder I've heard in my time at UT. So I stepped out of line and went for a walk. I love to walk through the rain. It's cold. Brisk. Refreshing. And you're guaranteed to be alone. And so I walked through campus with my hands in my pockets and the rain falling on my head. I got to think about things, which is either something I don't do enough or something I do way too much. I can't find the middle ground there. But I think my problem is that I expect too much from people. People don't think like I do. And they don't do things that I do. And I forget that. I expect them to and when they don't I feel jaded until I remind myself of the facts. I guess I'm just selfish and moody. Something to work on. I needed the walk. And at the end of it, I t...

All things considered, it was a good trip. It was nice to reconnect with old friends and meet new people. And, though it might have been a complete clusterfuck, caving was fun. Caving is always fun. Being outside was the best part, though. A miniature vacation right before classes start? Quality time in pleasant parts of nature for free? Great food with no effort? It's a hell of a way to start off a new year. I've never eaten so much food before. I desperately need to brush up on my Spanish. While it was nice to get blood flowing to that part of my brain, it was a decidedly unsexy demonstration of my lingual ability. A crippling embarrassment. But these things happen, I suppose. It shouldn't be too hard to pick back up again. It hasn't been that long. It'll be like picking up clarinet again. Or riding a bike. I am very much not ready for classes to start up again. All I want to do is hang out, meet people, and buy a Batman poster. I think that sound...

Well, I'm all moved in. And I really went all out this year. My dorm room is decorated with things from my bedroom . It's, you know, something. Except that I have a picture frame with no picture in it. I just don't have any pictures worth framing right now. Maybe that will change? We'll see what happens. I'm starting my junior year in college. Shit. I don't think I'm ready for classes to start again. I mean, I barely got a summer. I was in class. No rest for the weary, I guess. And tomorrow I'm leaving on a geology school orientation-type trip. It's for the freshmen to meet each other and their advisers and some school-mates. It's going to be interesting. I'm good with kids. But these kids are my age, and I'm not good with people my age. So they're not really kids. I don't really even know all that much about geology. "Look guys, this is a rock. It's kind of rock-colored. Let's go climb on those ...

Houston was an incredible disappointment. My driving was off, I wasn't feeling great, we sort of got lost, I was tired, and after we finally got to the place, it sucked. It was a giant kid's center. It was not at all what I imagined and it was awful. There wasn't any cool Star Wars stuff. An hour later we turned around and went home. An entire day and a lot of money wasted. Something always goes critically wrong with my plans. PLUCKY HERO suffers 15 damage to LIFE ENTHUSIASM. PLUCKY HERO has acquired LVL. 23 PESSIMISM. Live and learn, I guess. Today's lesson is to never go to Houston under any circumstances. And that acting on nerdy impulse leads to disappointment. And that Ashley has better directional intuition than me. Life is terrible.

I've been on kind of a music playing binge these last couple of days. Playing all the songs I can remember on all the instruments that I can for as long as I can. I had a couple conversations with a couple of people about music and life and other things and they both really hit home. Like a punch in the gut. Or a split reed on a lip. Or something that sticks with you for a while. Not the best feeling. Life's going by pretty quickly now, and I'm still spinning in circles trying to do everything I want. Scattered. Too interested in everything. I've got to sit down and figure out what I actually can do with the time I've got left because time is not a luxury I really have. Which is also not the best feeling. There are just too many things out there I want to be into. It's not fair that I can't do all of them, I think. I'm afraid that if I let music become a side thing for me that I'm going to end up dropping it almost entirely. Actually, it...

She's right.

My name is Gabe and I am a compulsive liar. I tell lies before I even finish registering what was said to me and before I start to think of a legitimate response. It's not something that I mean to do, it's just something that happens outside of my conscious control. I don't mean badly, it's just that words tend to fall out of my mouth in ways that sound reasonable and believable but are complete falsehoods. I am totally innocent here and cannot be held responsible for the things I say when I'm not telling the truth. Everything after this statement is true. I am going to stop lying all the time! Might be impossible! PLUCKY HERO has acquired LVL. 1 HONESTY!

After a certain point you can't just call it stage fright. Use it or lose it, they say. And I am in the middle of losing it. And it is a bad feeling. That's what I get for looking and thinking for so long and not actually doing. Not playing. Like I should be. What kind of musician doesn't play his instruments? Maybe that's what threw me off. Preoccupied. Bothered. Mental conflict between the things I love. Something has to change. I've got to justify keeping those horns around. Or I've got to get rid of them.

So Comics Fight is over. What. An. Experience. It's. Been.

"Do you know about the flood?" I pushed the newspaper into my bag and looked at him. "I'm sorry, what?" He stepped closer. "I asked if you knew about the flood." I looked around. "What flood?" " The flood." He said. He pointed to a shell in the limestone wall in front of us. "See this shell? This shell got here during a flood. All these shells in all these walls got into the rocks during a big flood. A flood that covered up a lot of land." Images and information flooded my mind like a slideshow on fast forward. Shells, rock, limestone, water, sea, millions of years. Deposition, sediment, cementation, calcification. "Really?" I said. "There are sea shells on top of Mt. Everest." He said. "Wow." I said. And so we talked. We talked about religion. He told me about how he'd had a religious/spiritual awakening twelve years ago where, after an entire life of religious bel...